Grown man believes there is such a thing as cartoons for adults

A MAN in his late 30s is desperate to convince normal people that adults can watch cartoons without shame.

Software engineer Martin Bishop is adamant that TV shows with talking drawings are deep reflections on the complexities of human nature, and not a sign of never quite having grown out of Battle of the Planets

Bishop said: “You watch Bojack Horseman and think ‘This is actually me!’ The empty casual sex and drug binges are just so true to life, or I wish they were. 

“Maybe only a freewheeling bachelor holed up in a depressing High Wycombe flat full of Clone Wars DVDs gets it.

“Cartoons are often made by geniuses with fascinatingly troubled minds. You can learn so much about mental health and religion from Neon Genesis Evangelion while immersing yourself in the culture of Japan. 

“People think it’s just about robots, but it’s not. There’s also martial arts. And tits.”

After Bishop again explained why Batman: The Animated Series is ‘culturally, historically and aesthetically significant’, friends expressed their hope that he might at least watch something with real people in it. 

Lauren Hewitt said: “I’ve got kids so I’m resigned to watching bloody Disney, but I don’t give a shit if Velma is ‘meta’ or not. And no, I’m not going to have an affair with Martin, however much he impersonates SpongeBob.

“Especially after I heard he was discovered wanking over Leela from Futurama.”

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My top six shags, by King Charles III

TO humanise his image in the week of his coronation, King Charles has released details of his best six shags ever. Here he respectfully reveals how they were gagging for it.

Susan George

Young cineastes may not recall Susan as an actress, but I assure you she was smoking hot in Straw Dogs. We could never marry, as she was a fallen woman who had known carnal pleasure, but that made for a marvellously abandoned affair. Her halter top from Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry remains in the Royal Collection.

Jane Ward

I can assure the British people that I have rarely made love in bushes, given my respect for the natural world and hearing my friends the plants begging me to stop. Sadly the girl I met at a polo match who dragged me off to those selfsame bushes went on to tell everybody about it. Yes, it was wonderful, Jane, but discretion?

Camilla Shand

True love, as my great-great-great-grandmother Queen Victoria said, comes from the regal loins, and from the moment we met my cock was thunderstruck. How many other copulations have sparked a constitutional crisis? And are still thrillingly going on decades later? My sword makes knights, it makes earls and it has made her a Queen.

Lady Sarah McCorquodale

Went like the absolute clappers, to quote a Guardsman I dismissed for coarse language. When she was named a master of the Belvoir Hunt in later life I murmured how apposite the title was. Sadly relations were cordial by then as she had palmed one off on her younger sister and it had not gone well.

Samantha Fox

I like to keep the tradition of droit de seigneur alive, so I made use of the powers granted to me when I opened the Sun newspaper and said to an aide ‘That one.’ She was summoned to the palace and, though a commoner, performed admirably. I believe she is now of the Sapphic persuasion, because what man could follow that?

Katy Perry

Why else would an American singer have been named ambassador to the British Asian Trust if she were not a Kingly conquest? Though I was a mere Prince when our affair began I would not be refused. Astonishingly filthy. She performs at my Coronation Concert on Sunday and thereafter in my chambers. Orlando and the Queen are cool with it.