Six bastards with the audacity to knock on your door unexpectedly

3rd May 2023

YOUR front door isn’t for people to come knocking on, but apparently these bastards didn’t get the memo.

Salespersons

Offering only items you don’t need such as dusters and double-glazing, door-to-door sales twats live in hope of making some commission so they can eat. However, you can guarantee their goods are horribly overpriced and it’s not your responsibility to feed them. So you apologise, close the door and feel bad, then ecstatically happy because your afternoon isn’t being ruined by having a patch of carpet shampooed while you sign a rip-off credit agreement.

Political canvassers

When a party gets desperate before an election they go through the charade of converting voters when they’re just there to tell their lazy supporters to vote even if it’s raining. It’s actually a fun opportunity to hassle local councillors over every shitty policy Suella Braverman has cooked up, but they always show up when you’re busy, at which point the issues that most concern this voter are finishing your dinner and getting the kids to shut the f**k up.

Neighbours

After peeking through the window and realising the knock is from a neighbour, worse still one you’re not even a nodding acquaintance of, your panicked brain races through reasons why they have invaded your territory. Could it be a dispute? Something you did in his bushes coming home from the pub? You’ve never liked the look of the creepy bastard, so you steel yourself for an argument and open the door. Then he just cheerfully gives you a package he’s looked after for you. You thank him, close the door and rack your brains for a reason to still not like him.

Cult callers

You didn’t realise your eternal salvation was in jeopardy until the acolytes from a religious cult came banging on the door. They always come in pairs – presumably to share the burden of being told to f**k off 50 times an evening – radiating spiritual sunshine and offering to save your soul with a handy booklet that’s a gentle introduction to becoming a brainwashed automaton who gives them all your money. But there might be a nice recipe for cookies in there, so it’s not all doom and gloom and eternal agony.

Friends and family

You love them dearly, allegedly, but not when they knock unannounced. In the age of the internet and mobile phones there’s just no reason to disturb people sat in their grubby sleepwear, munching chocolate while watching bollocks for thick teenagers on Channel 4. Deter these visitors in future by keeping them on the doorstep while your partner rushes round disguising the slobbery. A cup of tea will just encourage them to stay, so don’t offer them one until the ‘hints’ get annoyingly unsubtle, eg. ‘GOSH! I HAVEN’T HAD A CUPPA YET TODAY.’

Police

There’s nothing so inconsiderate as a 4am visit from heavily armed tactical police officers. They never knock, just rudely smash the door in with their special battering ram, not even leaving you time to put on your trackie bottoms and jump out of a back window. Admittedly the visits aren’t always completely unexpected, but they never take their shoes off. They should at least give you time to swallow a dangerous amount of cocaine, but it seems politeness is a thing of the past these days.

Eight food packaging decisions that remain a fascinating mystery

3rd May 2023

THE makers of snack foods have provided us with a cornucopia of innovative but frequently baffling packaging over the years. Here are some you’re still confused about.

Why do Peperamis appear to come in a condom?

The sausage comes in an inner sheath, like a Fetherlite condom with the end missing. But why? They’re already in a sturdy wrapper. Is it meant to be deeply sexual as you sensually slide the sausage out of the packet before opting to go ‘bareback’? But then you bite the end off and grind it up with your molars. Even your girlfriend’s most inept blowjob isn’t that bad.

Are Gu ramekins a status symbol?

Gu desserts would taste exactly the same in a plastic or cardboard pot as a more expensive glass ramekin. We can only assume something aspirational is going on here, perhaps targeting the sort of pathetic middle-class snob who thinks people who don’t shop at Waitrose are scum. If you think eating individual cheesecakes from glass ramekins makes you a ‘quality person’, you have psychological issues that require professional help.

Did anyone keep Lyons Maid superhero lolly sticks?

After guzzling an ice lolly, you’d discover a surprisingly detailed likeness of Batman, the Joker, etc. However they were still basically flat, so Catwoman wasn’t going lead to any sexual awakenings like Julie Newmar. The mystery is what kids did with them afterwards. Did some (literally) poor child play with his lolly sticks as if they were action figures, while sneering cries of ‘Pov!’ echoed in their ears? Let’s pray not.

What are Tic Tac boxes for?

As is now well-known, the plastic boxes can dispense a single Tic Tac at a time. But you need at least three to get a proper taste and you just end up shaking a load out, so they may as well just come in a cardboard tube like Smarties. When Earth is a toxic wasteland stripped of natural resources, our grandchildren will realise the monumental folly of Tic Tac boxes.

Are Muller Fruit Corners in any way an improvement?

The main function of these appears to be having an illicit hit of pure fruit syrup. However, do it too often and there won’t be enough fruit for the yoghurt. Most people have sussed this and just ladle spoonfuls of syrup into it. Which raises the question – would the syrup spread out too much if the manufacturers simply put it in the yoghurt to begin with? Probably not, and you wouldn’t waste the bit left in the designated fruit corner. Truly this is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, as Churchill would have put it if he’d been obsessed with yoghurt.

Why the massive clear box for Ferrero Rocher?

Yes, chocolates in a large plastic box could be considered ‘posh’ if you are very easily impressed. But Ferrero Rocher has had the piss taken relentlessly ever since ‘Monsieur, wiz zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’ so you’d think they’d have given up on that marketing dead end. And half the time they come in cardboard boxes anyway. So with the 42-piece box, why the need for a vast transparent sarcophagus you could probably fit f**king Snow White in?

KP Choc Dips – why do you need a highly portable format?

The technology is simple – a section for biscuit sticks, a section for chocolate dip. And it’s effective – you could walk for miles carrying one without losing either dip or sticks. The mystery is: who would want to? Are there insanely busy businessmen who rush from meeting to meeting thankful for the non-spill container? A clue may lie in the fact that they started out as ‘Yan Yans’, and the Japanese love finding ingenious solutions for massive non-problems.

Why do Pringles come in a tube?

Bags have served crisps well over the centuries*. But then Pringles shook the crisp world out of its smug complacency with crisps IN A TUBE! Nothing could ever be the same again, and questions remain. Is the tube a form of crisp one-upmanship? Are the reconstituted potato crisps really nicer? Did they have to come in a poppable tube because they were determined to use the slogan ‘Once you pop you can’t stop’? Which was always bollocks, frankly. It’s not like you can get heroin flavour.

*The first notable crisp recipe is from 1817, so now you know.