Greggs, and other institutions Brits would rather swear allegiance to than King Charles

THE new monarch would like you to promise to be loyal to him, but there are other uniquely British things you’d much rather swear allegiance to. Like these:


Yeah, the Royal Family is quintessentially British, but do you know what is even more so? A mush of pig arseholes stuffed into a tube of greasy pastry. Britain could cope without the monarchy, but it couldn’t cope without a steak bake and a coffee for less than four quid.

John Lewis

If your mum had to choose between King Charles and a shop where she could purchase some decent towels and a lovely pair of slacks, what would she go for? The answer is obvious. Charles offers her f**k all, whereas the prospect of a nice cup of tea and a scone at John Lewis will keep her happy for days.

Sir David Attenborough

The real King of Great Britain, David Attenborough, is beloved by literally everyone. We’d feel safe with him ruling over us and it would be delightful to hear the Christmas speech in his pleasant, warm voice, rather than having Charles’ strangled aristocratic tones ruin the pudding.


Every single citizen of Britain loves bacon, even the vegetarians who are always banging on about it being the only meat they miss. Who wouldn’t pledge allegiance to four delicious rashers sandwiched between two fluffy slices of white bread? And then have an argument over whether brown or red sauce is better. That’s properly traditional.

Harry and Meghan

For no other reason than it would really get on the tits of all those obsequious, forelock-tugging Royalists who’ve been boring us shitless this week. It would be massively taking the piss, which is the institution Brits are most devoted to of all.

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Man's luck in as girlfriend's vibrator out of batteries

A LUCKY man has scored his first shag in months after his girlfriend discovered there were no AAA batteries left in the drawer. 

Lauren Hewitt was planning to deal with her horniness in her usual manner when she powered up her trusty tool only to find it buzzing weakly and with no backup available.

She said: “Once the panic subsided, I found myself eyeing up my electric toothbrush but put off by hygiene implactions. Then I thought to myself: why not?

“I plucked up the courage and kissed him with the grim resignation of a soldier going over the top at the Somme. He was trembling with excitement like a dog that hears its owner say ‘walk’.

“Did it work? Not really. Initially I was pleasantly surprised and then moments later it was over. I should have used the ones from the TV remote.”

Boyfriend Ryan Whittaker said: “What brought that on I don’t know – I have bought a new T-shirt, maybe that – but it was very welcome and mutually satisfying. I wouldn’t rule out doing it again this week.

“Though there was less post-coital cuddling than I expected. She was straight on her phone ordering batteries off Amazon Prime.”