Spontaneous combustion: six minor genetic problems of your pedigree dog

WILD claims that pedigree dog breeding affects the animals health are nonsense, of course, but you may notice these minor quirks in your Kennel Club champion:

Spontaneous combustion

Shar Pei owners should be aware that the breed is high-maintenance: eye problems, skin infections and an unprompted tendency to burst into flames reaching 800ºC, capable of burning down a large family home in moments. They can also have feisty personalities.

Breathing through the arsehole

Selective breeding of short nosed breeds like Bulldogs and Pugs has led to difficulty breathing conventionally and a minor mutation causing them to breathe through their arseholes. Amplifies breathing to around 60db and comes with a strong, persistent odour and some spattering.

Teeth on its belly

Careful rubbing that belly! Some Pomeranians have a little blip which means their stomachs are entirely coated in rows of razor-sharp teeth. This went unnoticed for several decades as nobody got close enough to a Pomeranian to touch it without getting bitten by its regular teeth.

Demonic possession

The Cavalier King Charles spaniel is a wonderful family pet but also, because of inbreeding, susceptible to use as an earthly vessel by various Dukes of Hell. Watch out for signs like speaking Latin backwards, levitating and tearing out stranger’s hearts. Exorcists can solve the problem temporarily but are not covered by pet insurance.


Few people know this, but if you breed a French Bulldog with its own cousin enough times, you’ll produce puppies that can tell the future. Unfortunately, they are among the least intelligent dogs around and capable of being surprised by their own tails, so the ability is of little use.

Third eye

Nothing to do with any psychic ability. Miniature Poodles can develop a third, amber eye in the middle of their foreheads that will pop out whenever they get aroused and causes feelings of dread, despair, hopelessness and the urge to end it all for a radius of 500ft. The eye drops to treat this cost several thousand pounds per application.

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AI chatbots already more intelligent than most of the people you went to school with

SCIENTISTS have warned that AI chatbots have already surpassed the intelligence level of the thickest bastards you have ever met. 

Artificial intelligences like Chat GPT are already cleverer than Wayne Hayes, who you shared a table with in English and took a whole year to read The Silver Sword, and will soon surpass most of your Design and Technology class.

Professor Eleanor Shaw said: “They’re learning at an astonishing rate, unlike Steve Malley who answered the question ‘what is the periodic table?’ with ‘it’s that thing the girls get sir’ when he was 16.

“AI can read, comprehend and isn’t still confused what cell mitosis is after three years, holding the rest of us back with its gaping incomprehension. There’s no way it would spell ‘slag’ wrong when writing ‘Elanor is a slagg’ on the back of a bus seat.

“I am confident that even now, you could ask a chatbot to do an English GCSE and it would perform creditably, not write down the plot to Critters in broken English then claim it had a cramp.

“Ironically, it isn’t going to take any of those thick bastards’ jobs. It’s the nice girls who studied hard who’ll be out of work. F**king Malley the scaffolder will be fine.”