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Six ways you were never as much of a twat as your teenager

HOW have you, who were in no way a stereotype teenager, ended up with this grunting surly door-slammer? Why couldn’t your child follow your example? 

You didn’t use cringey slang

You used everyday, non-aggravating language like ‘chill out’ and ‘buzzkill’ when you spoke to your mother, not this horrendous TikTok stuff your teenager’s coming out with like calling you ‘deadass salty’. That’s just objectively offensive.

You never disrespected your parents

Talking back to your elders was something you never did, preferring to maintain a companionable silence from the years 12 to 18 inclusive. And your parents were buttoned-up bores raised in the staid 1960s, while you’re reasonable, fair, and cool, so why the backchat?

You dressed way better

Kids these days just blindly follow new idiotic fashions, rather than practical, sensible clothing like combat pants, a vest top and platform trainers. Which has now evolved into a fleece and walking shoes, so it’s downright annoying that your teen has developed silly notions about self-expression.

You were the best student ever

Exams were tough in your day, so two Ds and an E at A-level was a creditable result. Whereas now, despite exams being way easier, your indolent teen can’t be bothered to get As in every single subject.

You had an extremely pleasant attitude

Nobody would catch you being moody or moaning because you didn’t like what was for dinner. You were only ever unhappy with good cause, like Generation X having no future. And since then you’ve radiated joy, but sadly your daughter has fallen for the idea of teenage mood swings she picked up from Americans on Instagram. So gullible.

You didn’t waste all your time on video games

Hobbies back in the day were wholesome, like throwing stones at passing trains or smashing up an abandoned factory. Yet your teen refuses to engage in such harmless fun, preferring to play Fortnite with friends as if that’s normal, signalling the downfall of modern society.

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Still not too late to pick someone else, Royals told

THE public has advised the Royal family that with four days still to go until the Coronation they still have time to pick someone more suitable. 

Britain has denied having a particular candidate in mind, but would ideally choose someone with close family connections who is a tireless worker for charity and reminds them of the late Queen.

Bill McKay of Scarborough said: “I’m not suggesting we think entirely out of the box and go for, like, Jayne Torvill. We stick with a Windsor.

“But what if the Queen had a direct descendant, say a daughter, who had a history of genuine achievement like winning medals at equestrian events? That’d count for a lot.

“If it was someone who’d got divorced without airing their dirty laundry all over the press, so much the better. Rather than, just to pick a random example from the ether, a tampon wannabe.

“And, though this is a long shot, any Royal with the nous to stare a gunman intent on kidnap in the face and say ‘not bloody likely’ has the right stuff, in my opinion. It ain’t over until the monarch’s been anointed. Get me?”

The Princess Royal said: “Bollocks to that.”

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