Seven celebrities young people won't believe used to be normal

BACK in the pre-Swiftian epoch these celebrities were unimaginably relatable, not that today’s Zoomers would believe it:  

Dame Helen Mirren – known for getting her kit off

Helen is now a bona fide national treasure like HMS Belfast or David Attenborough with a vagina. But she was once just a mildly controversial actress prone to stripping. For educational purposes, Gen Z should watch Caligula and a Parkinson interview where she plays the dreadful luvvie while Parky pervs over her like a dirty uncle.

Ian Botham – not a Brexit wanker

It’s hard to overstate how big Botham was back in the 80s, aided by the press keeping quiet about his boozing, womanising and smoking weed. Young people will find this wildman hard to reconcile with a grumpy bastard resembling their daft Brexiter dad yarping about Britain ‘going it alone’.

Carol Vorderman – wasn’t a cougar

Cambridge engineering graduate Carol was the attractive nerd who dutifully looked shocked when the Countdown letters spelt out filth like ‘willy’. Now she’s got huge jugs, arse-hugging pants and bangs on about having five men on the go at once. What happened, Carol? Most of us left our spod pasts behind by getting decent trainers.

David Starkey – quite a good TV historian

His increasingly rare TV appearances make you lunge for the remote, but in his day he was a respected TV historian, presenting Late Great Britons – Reappraised and the like. He wasn’t always spouting offensive reactionary drivel, and his Good Ideas of the 20th Century didn’t include hanging and racial segregation.

David Icke – was more into Coventry City than alien lizards

David’s rambling, four-hour lectures include every conspiracy theory going: reptilian alien shapeshifters, 5G, the Illuminati, FEMA death camps etcetera. And you can bet he’s working QAnon in there. It’s a long way from presenting Grandstand looking so conventional that a chicken korma would have been a walk on the wild side.

Katie Price – was not spiralling in a vortex of lunacy

As Jordan, Katie was onto a winner. Minor fame, big modelling fees and success in the respected 90s career of ‘lads’ mag favourite’. 25 years on and Katie is known for a chaotic personal life of abusive kickboxer exes, a regular’s discount at the cosmetic surgeon and barely staying ahead of the law. She monetises her celebrity hell but should have quit while she was ahead, at 32D.

Prince Andrew – just a wanker

These days Prince Andrew is known for one thing, and it’s not It’s a Royal Knockout. But in the 80s he was seen as a moderately entertaining playboy introducing masturbators to Koo Stark, doing his bit against the Argies, and having a jolly Royal wedding for the grans. As the saying goes: ‘It’s better to be a knobhead than an alleged paedophile.’

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Six things you learned from porn that you should never do in real life

MANY of us take inspiration from porn, whether getting nails done or hanging an abstract painting over a white sofa. But never take these things into real life:

‘You can get down to it immediately’

There’s no prep in pornography. Nobody ever needs to get a condom from a bathroom cabinet, draw the curtains for the neighbours’ sake or close the door from the dog. Nobody even nips to the loo for a safety wee. It doesn’t matter how turned on you are, stuff needs to be done.

‘You don’t need to communicate’

The sex in porn is entirely instinctual. Both actors know what position is coming next without any awkward fumbling almost as though it’s scripted. In real life, do warn your girlfriend before you try the reverse-python-wheelbarrow move that requires her to brace herself upside down.

‘You can pay for services with sex’

More cerebral porn watchers may notice common themes across the genre, like the wide acceptance of payment in a simple blowjob or a quickie in the back of a taxi. Not likely. With inflation where it is, do you think that pizza delivery guy can heat his house on fellatio alone?

‘You can, and should, come onto your mother-in-law’

Or stepsister. Or second-cousin. While clips online posit that women you’re tangentially related to enjoy being propositioned at random this is not factual. She’ll be horrified and you’ll be dealing with the fallout at every family occasion until you die, when it will be mentioned at your funeral.

‘Dirty talk is universal’ 

On the internet everyone’s always muttering a stream of low-grade filth, usually asking their partner to do the very thing he is currently doing. Try this at home and see how long it takes him to bristle ‘What do you mean, f**k me? I am f**king you. What are you trying to imply?’

‘Assume everyone’s into BDSM anal unless stated otherwise’ 

Despite what popular trends in pornography might suggest, most people are happy with bog-standard sex. There are plenty of women out there who find going on top too much like hard work. Over in five minutes? Great. Pop First Dates on.