Lidos set for another summer of gentrification

OUTDOOR swimming pools are wearily preparing for yet another summer of being overwhelmed by the experience-seeking middle-classes. 

Any swimming pool without a roof on is busily removing clumps of plasters and adding negronis to the cafe menu as they prepare for an influx of influencers, coolhunters and Guardian-reading families on authenticity safaris.

Stephen Malley, manager of the High Peak Leisure Lido, said: “We’ve been here for 80 years and bloody cold for most of those. It’s the way the regulars like it.

“But come summer, the ‘Ten Best Open-Air Pools’ articles all start appearing and we’ve suddenly got a new uppity clientele livestreaming 7am training rituals to their followers.

“They’d never do this down the local municipal, but being outdoors makes us fair game. Never mind that five days a week we’ve got school parties pissing in it. They’re thronging us like we’re a Stoke Newington cereal cafe playing a hyperpop set.

“We’re icing our lattes, relabelling our protein bars as gluten-free, and there’s an ironic quote about swimming on a chalkboard. The NikNaks in the vending machine have been replaced by unsalted parsnip chips. It’s horrendous, but we have to milk these twats.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “We came 200 miles to get the perfect poolside sunset yoga shot for Instagram. No regrets. Did I go in the water? No. They’ve put chlorine in it.”

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All politics to focus on twats who want to buy houses

EVERY politician in Britain has decided that only dickheads yearning to get on the property ladder matter. 

Issues from rail fares to tuition fees to retirement age have all been swept aside as Labour and the Conservatives compete for the affections of jumped-up little pricks who will not be happy until they have erected a ‘No Turning’ sign in their very own drive.

Sir Keir Starmer said: “High crime? Cost of living? Can’t do business with Europe? F**k all that. Can’t buy a house? You’re our boy.

“We’re looking for the small-minded, the selfish, the people who can’t wait to put cones in their parking space. We’ll help you become the petty prick writing letters to the council about branches overhanging your conservatory you know you are inside.”

But Rishi Sunak countered: “We are the party of home ownership. We’ll build on fields and green belts until the whole of England is one horrible new-build estate, every house ten inches from its neighbour.

“What could be more Tory than mowing your own little piece of property, glaring suspiciously at anyone who dares stroll past, being delighted that interest rates are spiralling because you’re mortgage-free? Vote for us.”

Prospective homeowner Helen Archer said: “I’m still renting at the moment. But I’m voting on behalf of the spiteful little tyrant I one day hope to be.”