Is the Coronation today? Your eight-day guide

IS this the day the Coronation happens, or is it going to drag on even f**king longer? Your invaluable eight-day guide: 


No, today is not the Coronation but an ordinary May bank holiday. Choosing to honour the King by taking part in a Green Man festival and presenting pagan gods with an animal sacrifice is optional.


No, today is not the Coronation, except on The One Show. Today should be used for preparation: buying commemorative tins of biscuits, hand-stitching flags and, if you attended a minor public school, preparing glue and paint for your ecological protest.


No, today is not the Coronation, merely the day when it becomes inescapable. Anyone suffering any life events such as the birth of a child or loss of a parent is asked to postpone their emotional reaction until the following week, in respect for the King.


No, today is not the Coronation, but Coronation Commemoration Day in which we remember the previous Coronation in 1953. Call elderly relatives and ask them to discuss it at length. Watch old footage of it. Ready yourself for the greatest day of your life.


Today is Coronation Eve, when it is mandatory to have no other thoughts than those focused on the Coronation. The BBC will help. Watch it as an empty vessel ready to be filled with glorious tradition and pageantry. Let go of everything you once were. You are a subject now.


Today is the Coronation. You are up before dawn watching preparations and drinking in hushed commentary. The event itself is more majestic than you could ever have imagined. You swear true allegiance to the King and mean every bloody word.


The crash from yesterday’s 24-hour euphoria is only cushioned by tonight’s Coronation concert featuring luminaries such as Tom Cruise, Katy Perry and public domain character Winnie the Pooh, all taking part because they believe Charles is brilliant and for no other reason. ‘Remember yesterday?’ you say nostalgically.


A day off. Gradually, you recall that you were off a week ago today and didn’t give a f**k about the Coronation then. You slowly emerge from your temporary derangement and, as after Diana died, resolve never to think about it again. Start to gear up for Eurovision.

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Balconies are where we keep all the shit, explain apartment owners

THE balconies of an upscale apartment complex are the ideal location for all the owners’ assorted crap, they have confirmed. 

Residents have admitted that for each apartment to remain a flawless, carefully curated space with low-slung coffee tables, fluffy rugs and sofas on little legs, the balcony is required to become the equivalent of a garden shed full of shit.

Architect Carolyn Ryan said: “In my sketches for the complex, each balcony held a single exquisite plant. Perhaps the occasional couple elegantly sipping champage.

“Instead, the balconies on these £320,000 apartments hold bikes, pairs of wellies, drying racks, children’s toys, children’s bikes, broken air fryers, a highly misguided basketball hoop, and the only residents I see are smoking spliffs. It’s not what I had in mind.”

Emma Bradford said: “Yeah, I bought the plant. It’s still out there, dead, with the empty fish tank, the multipack of Coke Zero, the parcel shelf of my Yaris and the sun-bleached yoga ball all providing visual interest for commuters on passing trains.

“Maybe the architect should have included some f**king storage space in this f**king tiny shithole.”