A thicket of chest hair, and other things considered sexy on 1970s men

THE 1970s were, it was believed at the time, a sexy decade. This is what got you laid when T. Rex roamed the charts: 

Big, thick moustaches

A bloke was nowhere back then without a big, bushy moustache that made him look like like Burt Reynolds or a Spanish waiter. Spain was exotic back then, and a week-long romance with a man named Carlos would be the envy of your typing pool.

Thick chest hair

But Reynolds would never have made Playgirl without the essential feature of 1970s manhood – a thicket of dark and impassable chest hair, sprouting lasciviously from beneath a half-buttoned nylon mustard-yellow shirt. Hello, ladies.

Long, unkempt hair

Men had never been allowed long hair before. It was new, groovy and free, so the zenith of sex appeal became long, frizzy locks tossing in the wind. They also had no idea how to care for long hair and washed it once a week with a bar of Imperial Leather.

Massive lapels

Five decades ago, it was believed that the wider your lapel, the better-endowed you were. Eight-inch lapels and a kipper tie meant you were packing a monster down below. Necessary because car ownership wasn’t yet widespread and a Morris Traveller makes no kind of penis extension.

Skinny hips

Skinny hips were considered not weedy, but lithe and sexy – and perfect for balancing out massive bell-bottoms. It was easier to have skinny hips back then, because of childhood malnutrition.

Platform soles

A modern man would be laughed out of ‘Spoons for giving himself an unnatural height boost, but back then you were nobody if you weren’t balancing on five inches of block heels. Perhaps the clomping sound was a kind of mating call?

Constant innuendo

The dream man of the 1970s thought of little but sex as he worked his menial job, so a phrase as innocent as ‘I’ll get it’ was a launchpad for 40 minutes of leering, arm-pumping and suggestive remarks to melt the heart of any girl in a mini-skirt.

Drinking ten pints of bitter

Women were impressed with a man who could take his drink, downing ten pints of beer at 28p each. Even if he did subsequently urinate in his cords, he was a keeper.

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The six stages of every man's wanking routine

WHEN it comes to acts of self abuse, men are all creatures of habit. These are the six stages they will follow when treating themselves to a hand shandy:

Do a quick recce

This will be done subtly so as not to arouse suspicion. A seemingly innocent walk through the house will do the trick, and maybe he’ll call out people’s names just to be safe. The last thing a man wants is to be caught by his family when he’s bent over and bashing away, mainly because he’ll feel compelled to finish before apologising.

Secure the perimeter

Bathroom’s are the safest place for some self-love because they’ve got a lock on the door, but they’re rarely the most comfortable or erotic. Instead, a man will likely settle for his bedroom by placing something heavy next to the door to prevent his mum interrupting like that one time when he was 16. If you ever spot a house with its living room curtains shut in the middle of the day, a man is likely wanking in there.

Locate the filth

Smut, or visual onanism aids as men prefer to call it, was traditionally stashed under the mattress. In modern times though, X-rated filth lives online, with the opening of the incognito tab now being tantamount to masturbation foreplay. Should a man ever be unable to locate pornography, he is always capable of falling back on his mental obscenity archive AKA wank bank.

Conduct the wank

Just as a soldier can strip down and reassemble a SA80 on mental autopilot, a man will bring himself to climax with a similarly grim, robot-like efficiency. The disgusting process typically takes between three to five minutes to complete, depending on how recent his last emission was, and due years of furtive adolescent wanks he will be quieter than a dormouse.

Dispose of the evidence

A bundled up tissue nestled near the bed is a dead giveaway. Not least because it reeks of spunk. Therefore, immediately after discharge, a man will shuffle to the bathroom with his pants and trousers still around his ankles and flush the evidence down the toilet. This is where checking the coast is clear pays dividends.

Repress the guilt

Even non-Catholic men will feel like they’ve done something wrong. Something that goes against their moral fibre as a human being. Due to the frequency of their wanks though, men are masters of squashing down their guilt and pretending they didn’t just watch the dirtiest videos PornHub has to offer. It’s more of a reflex than a conscious action at this point.