Woman seeks holiday that is hot, not too hot, near a city and near beaches

A WOMAN is struggling to book a holiday that meets a long list of contradictory requirements, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford is no closer to booking her family getaway than she was a week ago because it needs to be somewhere cool yet tropical on a remote island with easy access to the city, and ideally not cost a lot while offering a premium experience.

She said: “It’s taking forever to sort because Tripadivsor mainly filters hotels and experiences by price and popularity, not the incessant, diametrically opposed demands of your sodding husband and kids.

“The ideal destination needs to be somewhere far away and exciting but without mosquitoes because we’ve left it too late for jabs. It should also boast a beautiful old city with dedicated parking spaces right outside our Airbnb. So far Google’s drawing a blank.

“Maybe if I just search for some random keywords a miraculous targeted ad will pop up and solve all my problems. Although I’ve been doing that for a while now and nothing’s come my way. I can’t fathom why.

“F**k it, if I don’t find anything by tomorrow we’re going to Bognor Regis. It’s close enough.”

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Man who watches 15 hours of football a week thinks your hobby is eccentric

A MAN who obsessively watches ten football matches every week thinks your hobbies and interests mark you out as an oddball, it has emerged.

League Two superfan Tom Logan cannot understand why you waste your time indulging in other aspects of culture when you could be doing the sensible thing of watching adults in shorts trying to score goals.

He said: “I don’t understand you anoraks. What do the arts offer that football doesn’t, besides well-crafted stories, emotional fulfilment and a broader understanding of the human experience?

“Then there’s all the merchandise tat that goes along with it. You don’t need a band T-shirt to listen to music or an action figure to watch Star Wars. It’s a waste of money. My Rochdale away kit is both practical and only cost £45, so it’s totally different.

“Everyone knows that football is the only thing it’s socially acceptable to be openly enthusiastic about. But not women’s football, obviously, unless they’re about to go all the way again.”

Marvel fan Nikki Hollis said: “I guess it’s a bit odd to be really into comic book movies. But is it more odd than standing around a pitch in the pissing rain and paying a fiver for a pint? No.”