How to pass the three hours before your mate gets up when you stay over

CRASHED at a friend’s? Woken up 180 minutes before them? Fill the cavernous eternity before they surface with these tips.

Contemplate life

You’re stuck in limbo until your host drags their arse out of bed, so you might as well dwell on the mysteries of the universe in the meantime like a Buddhist monk. Ruminate on life’s big questions like how did you expect to sleep on a sofa with just a newspaper as a blanket, how long can you watch Paw Patrol on their TV with the volume turned off before you get bored, and why oh why did you forget to charge your phone?

Try to have a shower

Easier said than done because showers in other people’s houses are more difficult to crack than the Enigma code. Either it’s a sleek, modern affair with no apparent controls, or it’s an antique contraption with an obscure pin you have to pull out to get the water flowing. And once you’re done you only have the smallest, crustiest hand towel to dry yourself off with. Just try not to think about how often it’s been near your host’s genitals.

Judge their CD and book collection

Once you’re clean it’s time to change back into the dirty clothes you wore yesterday and slept in. While doing so, take the time to sneer at your host’s poor taste in literature and music, which appears to include all the Hunger Games books, a couple of well-read Jilly Cooper bonkbusters, and 5ive’s entire discography. You should broaden their cultural horizons by offloading your McBusted album onto them.


Fuelled by a sense of superiority after noticing they have two different Katie Price autobiographies, it’s time for a more thorough rummage around your host’s home. According to the bills stuck to their fridge they have an overdue payment on their Very account, although they are forking out £200 a month less than you on their mortgage. Use this as leverage to make the tight twat get rounds in more often at the pub.

Make a cup of tea

This serves two functions. As you enter the third hour you’re likely to be bored and thirsty. So by making a cup of tea loudly you can quench your thirst and hopefully wake up your host in the process. With any luck they’ll come downstairs then engage you in awkward small talk about how they slept and the dreams they had. In comparison the mundanity of solitude will seem like bliss.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The seven women who are in every hen party

HEN parties are ravaging Britain, and every single one includes these seven women:

Sexy Sienna, the maid of honour

The organiser of the hen do, who printed up the personalised hoodies which is why hers isn’t obscene. Has doomed the bride to a final party with cock balloons, cock straws, gallons of prosecco in cheap nightclubs and other stuff she knows her classy, sophisticated friend abhors. Will stay sober ‘for Hannah’s sake’ then f**k off early.

Anal Andrea, from work

Fortysomething Andrea, given her name as a punishment but flaunting it with pride, is a hen party veteran who takes immediate command. It is thanks to her the party visits all the worst bars, drinks only the sickliest cocktails and flirts with only the sleaziest men. Ruins whole evening for everyone by having a fantastic time.

Tits Out Tara, from school

Close friend who has young kids, doesn’t get out much so goes completely off the rails after two Pornstar Martinis. A liability who appears to believe a hen do is roughly equivalent to total societal breakdown, so grabbing cocks, throwing bottles and never paying for drinks is fine. Will be vomiting on a stranger by 11pm.

Cumface Cathy, from previous work

Always called Catherine and never ever Cathy so hates this already. Is concerned for the bride’s welfare and whether she actually wants more shots and to be grinding against that ugly bald bloke. Consequently labelled a killjoy. Decides a one-night stand is less humiliating than staying out.

Blowjob Bethany, from university

Old friend of the bride horrified at the name she’s been given and these women who appear to be her mates now. Spends the whole evening trying not to touch anything or anyone. The friendship will never recover from what she’s been forced to go through.

Spitroast Suzy, the groom’s mother

Blissfully oblivious to what her name means. Only there because she has to be. The music’s too loud, she can’t hear what anyone’s saying, and she’d prefer a large white wine thanks. Keeps very much to herself while getting paralytically hammered.

Handjob Hannah, the bride

It doesn’t matter, it’s not really about her.