CRASHED at a friend’s? Woken up 180 minutes before them? Fill the cavernous eternity before they surface with these tips.
You’re stuck in limbo until your host drags their arse out of bed, so you might as well dwell on the mysteries of the universe in the meantime like a Buddhist monk. Ruminate on life’s big questions like how did you expect to sleep on a sofa with just a newspaper as a blanket, how long can you watch Paw Patrol on their TV with the volume turned off before you get bored, and why oh why did you forget to charge your phone?
Try to have a shower
Easier said than done because showers in other people’s houses are more difficult to crack than the Enigma code. Either it’s a sleek, modern affair with no apparent controls, or it’s an antique contraption with an obscure pin you have to pull out to get the water flowing. And once you’re done you only have the smallest, crustiest hand towel to dry yourself off with. Just try not to think about how often it’s been near your host’s genitals.
Judge their CD and book collection
Once you’re clean it’s time to change back into the dirty clothes you wore yesterday and slept in. While doing so, take the time to sneer at your host’s poor taste in literature and music, which appears to include all the Hunger Games books, a couple of well-read Jilly Cooper bonkbusters, and 5ive’s entire discography. You should broaden their cultural horizons by offloading your McBusted album onto them.
Fuelled by a sense of superiority after noticing they have two different Katie Price autobiographies, it’s time for a more thorough rummage around your host’s home. According to the bills stuck to their fridge they have an overdue payment on their Very account, although they are forking out £200 a month less than you on their mortgage. Use this as leverage to make the tight twat get rounds in more often at the pub.
Make a cup of tea
This serves two functions. As you enter the third hour you’re likely to be bored and thirsty. So by making a cup of tea loudly you can quench your thirst and hopefully wake up your host in the process. With any luck they’ll come downstairs then engage you in awkward small talk about how they slept and the dreams they had. In comparison the mundanity of solitude will seem like bliss.