Five obvious signs some bastard's raided the fridge

YOU only went shopping today, but most of your food has already mysteriously disappeared. Here are five telltale signs some git has been foraging through your fridge.

Shelving chaos

You take great care when restocking the fridge to ensure meat and dairy go on separate shelves, and fruit and salad go in their respective drawers. Now it looks like a pissed bear has been sniffing around and helped itself. Your neatly arranged system has come crashing down and there are bite marks in everything. Correction. Everything except the fruit and salad.

Open wrappers and seals

In the feeding frenzy, the raider has clumsily ripped open wrappers and carelessly cast aside plastic seals. The half-eaten packet of cooked ham you were looking forward to has already started to go a bit stale, and even the Baybel wax cover has got teeth marks in it. Don’t even give the leaking carton of milk a sniff test. It’s cheese now. Pour it away.

Dirty cutlery

In their haste to construct some form of sandwich, the looter has left cutlery lying around caked in a baffling array of spreads, conserves and cheeses. What sort of foul beast man would be gross enough to have a layer of Nutella, then soft cheese, then Nutella again? Then there’s the teaspoon slathered in mustard sat in a pot of fat-free yoghurt, which for the sake of your sanity you should ignore.

The smell

A raided fridge will give your nose an olfactory overload. Your offended sense of smell will not know whether to start with the pungent whiff of canned tuna, the stench of stale mayonnaise, or the foul odour of boiled eggs. Luckily this will distract you from your sense of touch, which would otherwise be repulsed by all the disgusting, sticky handprints on the fridge door.

Incriminating clothing

Just as a love rat is betrayed by lipstick on a shirt collar, a fridge raider gives themselves away via suspicious splotches and food stains. Curiously these will match all of the items missing from your fridge, but what’s more bizarre is that they didn’t wash their clothing themselves. It’s like the greedy f**ker wanted to get caught as part of their sick game.

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Loch Ness: the world's top tourist attractions based on bollocks

LOTS of tourist attractions deserve their popularity. Then there are these destinations which have made a name for themselves based on nonsense.

Hollywood Walk of Fame

Have you ever seen names like Steve Buscemi and Jay Leno written out? Yes. Would you like to see these words on a paving slab? No. In which case, save yourself thousands of pounds on a flight to LA in order to walk up and down a road that’s basically a shit credits sequence.

Loch Ness

If a gigantic prehistoric monster ever lived in Loch Ness, it would have died millennia ago. Don’t waste your time camping out trying to snap the elusive beastie because it doesn’t exist. What you will see though are dozens of equally monstrous American tourists ambling around its shores, purchasing naff and extortionately-priced fridge magnets.

Normandy beaches

These almost get a pass because the largest seaborne invasion in human history did take place on them. Visit them now though and they look indistinguishable from pretty much every other beach in existence. The only difference is they’re populated by irritating dads dragging their bored families up sand dunes to lecture them about supply lines and casualty numbers.

Times Square

Times Square is the Mecca of soulless capitalism. Quite why people rush to gawp at its gaudy advertisements and billboards remains a mystery. It’s like you’ve walked into the most intrusive of online pop ups. Although if you want to marvel at New York’s traffic system while getting jostled by angry locals, maybe it’s the place for you after all.


You know a place is really reaching for a claim to fame when all it has to grab onto is a Victorian murderer who used to stalk its streets. Nowadays the legacy of Jack the Ripper lives on through a drama student in a cape who will take you on an embarrassing tour around its cobbled roads, while frustrated commuters will barge past and call you a prick. They’re not wrong.


Rather than relying on its stunning architecture and natural beauty to lure in tourists, Lourdes goes over the top by claiming to be the site of numerous miracles. It’s the market town equivalent of an otherwise gorgeous face being ruined by lip filler and bad eyebrows. Although if you’ve got an ailment that needs curing, it might be quicker to pop over and ask God for a favour instead of going through the NHS.