BRITAIN is to observe the May bank holiday by f**king like it will never f**k again, it has confirmed.
The spring holiday, which comes down to us from pagan times, has traditionally been a time for the population to f**k one another like wild beasts until raw and satiated.
But warmer weather, the prospect of a mood-killing festival of patriotism next weekend and the possibility of the Tories getting their arses kicked in the council elections has got the whole nation ready to go at each other until they can go no more.
Grace Wood-Morris said: “The birds are singing, the lambs are jumping in the fields, and I am riding dick until Monday’s Newsnight. It is f**king on.
“Easter’s the weekend for spending in the pub. Next weekend’s the one for doing jobs and ignoring Coronation crap. This bank holiday is for a 72-hour non-stop erotic odyssey.
“If you’re a couple, don’t bother getting out of bed. Even if you’re married, it’s time for your annual rediscovery that sex can be quite enjoyable actually. If you’re single, lower your standards until you’re not going home alone.
“The time has come to f**k, f**k and f**k again. Worry about the consequences next January.”