Everyone to spend three days f**king

BRITAIN is to observe the May bank holiday by f**king like it will never f**k again, it has confirmed.

The spring holiday, which comes down to us from pagan times, has traditionally been a time for the population to f**k one another like wild beasts until raw and satiated.

But warmer weather, the prospect of a mood-killing festival of patriotism next weekend and the possibility of the Tories getting their arses kicked in the council elections has got the whole nation ready to go at each other until they can go no more.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “The birds are singing, the lambs are jumping in the fields, and I am riding dick until Monday’s Newsnight. It is f**king on.

“Easter’s the weekend for spending in the pub. Next weekend’s the one for doing jobs and ignoring Coronation crap. This bank holiday is for a 72-hour non-stop erotic odyssey.

“If you’re a couple, don’t bother getting out of bed. Even if you’re married, it’s time for your annual rediscovery that sex can be quite enjoyable actually. If you’re single, lower your standards until you’re not going home alone.

“The time has come to f**k, f**k and f**k again. Worry about the consequences next January.”

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Met failing to catch serial killers because they are best mates

THE Metropolitan Police is failing to catch serial killers because they are close friends with them and drink together, it has confirmed.

The force admitted that it may be failing in its duty to apprehend serial murderers because it believes they are misunderstood and a great laugh after a couple of pints.

Detective inspector Joe Turner said: “Come on. So they’ve killed a few people. So who hasn’t?

“I know my hands aren’t clean and neither are most of the lads, so it would be pretty hypocritical of us to start locking up serial killers for murder. Especially when we’ve got at least two in senior ranks.

“You know that bit at the end of films, when the killer says ‘You and I, we’re the same’ to the cop? Well it’s like that but earlier in proceedings, and instead of a deadly game of cat-and-mouse we go down the boozer and play pool.

“When Alex says household objects have been telling him he must kill again, that’s just banter. Mental health issues too perhaps, but you can’t be looking down on that in modern society, they made us do a course about it.

“We don’t judge, here at the Met. To you they may be serial killers, but to us they’re just people who’ve taken a difficult path in life. Yes, I suppose that does make us better than you.”