Gregg Wallace, and the other luckiest untalented bastards in showbusiness

THERE are a lot of useless people in the world of entertainment who’ve spun a career out of utter mediocrity. Like these:

Fred from First Dates

A man who has managed to stretch a ten year career out of having a sexy French accent, Fred has struck lucky taking people’s coats and offering generic pearls of wisdom like ‘There is only one happiness in this life. To love and be loved’. And also to make a fortune out of working in the service industry.

Gregg Wallace

Ex-fruit and veg peddler Gregg Wallace is a staple of our screens, appearing on either Masterchef or Inside The Factory on what feels like 365 days of the year. Having a loud voice and a shiny bald head appears to be the beginning and the end of his talents, yet he’ll still be on TV, cockroach-like, after the rest of humanity is wiped out in the apocalypse.

Paddy McGuinness

If hanging onto coattails was an Olympic sport, Paddy would be Usain Bolt. Hitching his wagon to Peter Kay about 20 years ago has given Paddy the opportunity to host a never-ending cavalcade of bad quiz shows, bad game shows, bad entertainment shows and the worst ever iteration of Top Gear, with his entire schtick being based around the fact he’s from the north.


Who’d have thought dancing around with maracas could set you up for a 30 year career in entertainment? After making his start providing ‘vibes’ for the Happy Mondays, Bez has since gone on to star in Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Masterchef, Dancing On Ice and Gogglebox, despite being so incapable of comprehensible speech that he makes Shaun Ryder sound like Oscar Wilde.

The Kardashian family

Is being the offspring of OJ Simpson’s defense attorney a talent? Or making a sex tape? Or having injections in your bum to make it massive? Not really, but those are the things that have made the Kardashians the most rich and famous people in the world. No wonder your kids want to sack off school in favour of being influencers.

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Richard Sharp receives invitation to the f**ked-by-Boris club

BBC chairman Richard Sharp has resigned and received his coveted invite to the f**ked-by-Boris luncheon club on the same day.

The former Goldman Sachs banker, who has been advised that asking for the job while arranging a £0.8 million loan for the person he was asking means he has perception problems, saw his gilt-edged invitation slide under the door the very moment he quit.

He said: “Apparently they meet in the City of London’s historic Guild Hall every Friday at 1pm. It used to be a room above a pub but membership’s grown exponentially.

“Petronella Wyatt emailed and said it’s casual dress as most of the girls are in next-to-nothing anyway, and there’s no free bar because usually attendees have lost substantial sums in qualifying for membership.

“I must say it’ll be nice to see Allegra Stratton again, and of course so many of the people involved in the Garden Bridge, the Leave campaign, and Partygate. Largely we’ll discuss how we didn’t think it would happen to us and what dickheads we were.

“There is an argument for the entire country to be invited, but the club’s strictly for those to whom he did it personally. Otherwise we’d have the whole of the Red Wall in.”

Later, Sharp is expected to say: “Rishi? What are you doing here?”