Man has zero problem with being a rebound shag

A MAN has no qualms about being a meaningless hook up to distract from feelings of sadness so long as he is getting some, it has emerged.

Desperate bachelor Tom Logan is more than happy to be a purely physical rebound fling with recently single women because he has not got any action in a while.

He said: “Rebound sex has got a bad reputation but I don’t know why. The ladies temporarily feel better and I get my end away. Everyone’s a winner.

“And because I’m a bloke they don’t need to worry about me feeling like I’m being used. As long as I get to see some tits and blow my load then I’m happy. In fact the complete lack of emotional connection is preferable.

“The only risk is that they fall madly in love with me after our eight minutes of clumsy rutting. When that happens I just let her down gently and release her back into the wild for another sex-starved bloke to console. It’s a good system.”

Rebound shagger Joanna Kramer said: “My instinct is to call Tom a shallow pig for how he treats women. But because I’m the one initiating this scenario it’s actually very empowering.”

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We will keep telling you our nauseating brand story until you buy something, companies warn

BUSINESSES have announced plans to keep communicating their ‘brand stories’ until the public cracks and buys a product.

While capitalism was previously a transactional relationship between a company and its customers, it now revolves around breaking people’s spirits with absolute bullshit until they part with their money.

Business owner Jordan Gardner said: “Our brand story is about inclusivity and community, which is why we incessantly send you inanely cute and cheerful newsletters which make you want to punch someone.

“And we also value being authentic, grounded and human. Apart from the chatbot, the automated emails and our frightening lust for your cash.”

Customer Lucy Parry said: “Last week I committed to a year-long subscription to an artisan coffee selection box, just to get them to stop sending me videos about their sustainable bean farming practices.

“I don’t even like coffee, but I felt so worn down by the compelling narrative about the happy fairtrade growing communities they’d created that it seemed like my only way out.”

Gardner added: “As our most toe-curling website copy will tell you, the most important part of our story is ‘you guys’, the customers. So f**king buy something.”