subscribe
/ Sign Out

Your boyfriend's spontaneous romantic gesture: Is it a sign he's cheating on you?

HAS your boyfriend surprised you with an unexpected token of his affection and you’re wondering why? Take our quiz to find out.

What was the gesture?

A) He’s taking me on a city break to New York, which is amazing! The furthest he’s ever taken me before is on a romantic weekend to Madrid, which oddly coincided with the Champions League Final.

B) A bunch of flowers. They were from Asda and cost £3.99. I know because, while he did manage to peel the price sticker off, he left the receipt in the kitchen.

Does he do this kind of thing often?

A ) Pretty often. Roses, romantic dinners, chocolates. The kind of thing that could seem impersonal and generic if you think about it too much. Which I don’t.

B) No. He usually makes a bit of an effort on my birthday, but he only remembers because my mum reminds him a week in advance.

Was there a reason for it?

A) No, it was totally out of the blue. He says he just loves seeing my face light up with joy when he spoils me, because I deserve to be treated like a princess. I’m so lucky to have him.

B) He says not, but I know it’s because I accused him of being a ‘thoughtless, selfish man-baby’ during an argument last week. At least he’s trying, I suppose.

Did he expect sex in return?

A) No. In fact, when I went to hug him for his generosity he held me off and said he needed to shower first because he was sweaty after work. He’s so thoughtful like that.

B) No, despite his failings we don’t have that kind of transactional relationship. But we shagged anyway as there was nothing on telly.

Do you have any reason to suspect him of being unfaithful?

A) Aside from his history of cheating, duplicitous nature and the way he never lets me touch his phone? No, nothing at all.

B) He struggles to hold a conversation and watch telly at the same time, so I don’t think he’s got the brain power to manage two different relationships.

Answers

Mostly As: Your boyfriend’s extravagant romantic gestures make him seem like the dream partner. However, no human is that nice if they’re not trying to cover something up or assuage their guilt. He’s cheating on you.

Mostly Bs: He’s not cheating on you, he’s just a useless lump. But at least he’s 100 percent your useless lump. Lucky you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'That’s what you’re wearing is it?': Six sick burns from mother to teenager

COMEDIANS slapping down hecklers have got nothing on a mum’s cutting comments. You’ll be familiar with these from your adolescence:

‘That’s what you’re wearing, is it?’

Diplomats would struggle to find phrasing so neatly balanced. A direct criticism can’t be pinned down, but it’s enough to sow the seeds of doubt so that, enraged, you’ll change your outfit anyway. Or else be paranoid all night about how you look. Either way, she wins.

‘I couldn’t possibly eat a portion that big’

Another masterstroke in psychological warfare. It sounds like she’s criticising herself, when she’s actually telling you you’re being a greedy pig. Bonus points to her for passing on her lifelong unhealthy relationship with food and dieting.

‘I’m not saying anything’

Interchangeable with a pointed look, this one can be deployed in almost any situation from messing up train times to spilling a cup of tea to introducing her to a romantic partner. It roughly translates to ‘you’re a f**king idiot’ and, frustratingly, most of the time she’s right.

‘You’re just like your father’

An efficient choice which neatly transposes any criticisms she’s made of your dad over to you in a handful of words. Given that she regularly calls him a ‘useless ham-fisted lump’, it’s pretty clear that this is thinly veiled abuse.

‘Almost as good as your sister’s’

Whether it’s academic achievement or something more pedestrian like baking a cake, your mum loves to compare you to your sibling and find you less impressive. She does it the other way round too, leading to a lifetime of resentment instigated purely for your mum’s entertainment.

‘Stop making a scene’

The death blow. When she’s inevitably angered you to the point of retaliation she can effortlessly deflect it back onto you by suggesting you’re being hysterical. The only comfort for you is that you’ve learned from the best and can take it out on your future children.

Next story ›