Football? Never heard of it, says Arsenal fan

A MAN who up until yesterday was an ardent Arsenal fan is now feigning ignorance about the sport of football as a whole.

Wayne Hayes’s sudden football-specific memory loss coincides with Arsenal’s punishing 4-1 defeat to Man City last night, an event which he also claims to have no knowledge of whatsoever.

He said: “Foot… ball? No, you’ve lost me, sorry. Is it a new thing?

“I’m sure it’s very fun, whatever it is, but I’ve simply never come across it. I’m guessing it’s a niche pastime that not many people are into, otherwise I probably would’ve heard of it.

“Take yesterday evening for example. I went to bed nice and early, did a spot of reading, and didn’t stay up late crying over the fact that the Gunner’s hopes of becoming Premier League champions continued to slip away.

“As I’ve already outlined, I don’t know what any of those words mean. So stop coming up to me with a shit-eating grin and asking me about last night’s game. Please. I beg you.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “I should probably tell Wayne to change out of that tear-stained Arsenal shirt, but maybe it’s too soon. He needs time to mourn.”

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Taking antibiotics: the very limited number of reasons you're not drinking that British people will accept

IF you don’t drink at a social event, British people will regard you with fear and suspicion. Here’s the very narrow range of reasons they will accept your sobriety:

You’re on antibiotics

Got an infection? Nasty toothache? Suspected Lyme disease? Then you will be begrudgingly allowed to not partake in a heavy boozing session. Any ailment that doesn’t require antibiotics will see a large glass of brandy forced on you, because ‘it’s medicinal’.

You’re pregnant

Pregnant? Woah. Nine whole months without drinking? And then rarely being able to go the pub? How sad. Everyone without kids will need a stiff drink to get over this tragic scenario, and the people who do have kids will already be completely shitfaced so won’t register your big news.

You’re a recovering alcoholic

Yep, this is a good reason, and nobody who isn’t a massive bellend would even dream of attempting to get you to ‘just have one’. What they will do is go on a long, pissed ramble about being worried about their own drinking, before lurching off to the bar for another pint and a shot of sambuca.

You’re driving

People will respect this safety conscious choice but not before they’ve spent 40 minutes trying to convince you that you don’t have to drive home. You can stay over, they insist. However, you know you’ll be sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa that stinks of dogs and farts, and will have to drive back in the morning shaking and bilious, so you politely refuse their hospitable offer.

You’re catastrophically hungover

If you’re really, really hungover, the British will sympathise. For a bit, and then they will start banging on about you having a hair of the dog. You refuse for ages, knowing it will only dehydrate your already arid body further, but eventually give in, just to get them to shut the f**k up.