Is King Charles's Coronation guest list woke?

THE UK has woken gripped by a gnawing dread this morning: is King Charles’s Coronation guest list proof he will be the Monarch of Woke?

With names like Sinn Fein’s Michelle O’Neill, Ursula von der Leyen and the Duke of Sussex given coveted seats, fears are growing that Charles will allow wokeness to rule the land.

Joe Turner of Reading said: “I haven’t read the whole guest list, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d invited Noam Chomsky, Emily Thornberry, and Black Lives Matter leader Marcus Rashford.

“What will it do to us, as a nation, to see our King crowned in front of Greta Thunberg, Suzy Eddie Izzard, that model with the boobs who’s raising her kid gender-neutral and Jameela Jamil? Castrate us in front of the world.

“I thought it was a positive step when he banned Meghan. I thought the responsibility of kingship had sorted him out and he’d stopped with all that green shit about it being better if buildings look nice.

“But now he needs to make a statement. If invites haven’t gone out to Laurence Fox, Jim Davidson, Lucy Pinder, Daily Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, John Terry and Nick Griffin by 5pm today, we know what kind of king he’s going be.

“Come on, Charlie. We’ve already got the flags out. Let’s make it a proper right-wing torchlit rally.”

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Are you the wanker in your office? Take our quiz

ARE you the person who co-workers thinly veil their loathing for and try to avoid? Find out:

Do you distract colleagues from working by constantly drawing attention to yourself?

A) No. it irritates the shit out of me when someone is drumming their fingers or mumble-narrating their every menial activity.

B) Everyone loves a good anecdote, right? When I address the whole office with a long story about something hilarious that happened to me in Asda I know they are rolling their eyes with me, not at me.

Do you prolong meetings by asking tedious questions?

A) No. ‘Any other questions?’ is rhetorical. It’s like the school bell: when you hear it, it’s time to leave.

B) There’s nothing tedious about deep-diving on an issue that needs further clarification, or asking questions about something inconsequential and months away, like the Christmas party. That’s just showing commitment.

Do you send emails or WhatsApp messages about work late in the evening?

A) No. I work long hours, so time in the evening is my own. And who the f**k sets up a WhatsApp group for work, anyway?

B) Sometimes in the evening I’ll remember the copier needs paper or I need to check an account’s been invoiced. But that’s for the official work group, not the fun one I set up for sharing memes and office gossip. There has to be a boundary.

Have you made it your responsibility to log every contravention of company policy, no matter how trivial?

A) No. Some things are best just let go. Most things, in fact.

B) Yes. Obsessively.

Do you volunteer for extra tasks?

A) Christ, no. I don’t get paid enough.

B) Not absolutely everything. Although I did volunteer to reorganise the company filing systems last weekend, and then ran lunch break orientation seminars to ensure seamless implementation. You’re welcome!

Every office has a wanker, does yours?

A) Yes. At the moment she’s having a really f**king loud conversation with someone slightly less annoying.
B) No. Everyone’s really nice. I made us all badges that say so.

Mostly As: You are the office wanker, and destined for a career in lower middle-management. However, you’re so lacking in self-awareness that you see this as a major win.

Mostly Bs: No, it’s not you. You’re a normal, bored shitless office drone and that’s where you’ll stay, until the wanker inevitably becomes your supervisor.