Hackman to star in Midsomer Burning

GENE Hackman is to reprise his role as a tough FBI man in the upcoming racist drama Midsomer Burning.

The film will focus on a series of gentle, racially motivated murders in the sleepy home counties villages of Midsomer Magna, Ferne Basset and Great Pelfe.

Inspector Tom Barnaby is called out of retirement when a young black man is found clubbed to death with the Midsomer dominoes trophy.

As suspicion immediately falls on everyone in the film the murderer strikes again as 12 young black men are found hanging from the oldest oak tree in the county with swastikas daubed across their chests.

Barnaby pays a social visit to the secretary of the Midsomer Anglo-Saxon White Power Club before concluding the murders must be the result of a feud between rival bird watchers over the best patch for tagging chiffchaffs.

But the veteran detective’s old-fashioned methods are called into question when Hackman’s character arrives and starts threatening to cut everybody’s balls off with a rusty knife.

In a key scene Hackman raids the Ferne Basset Flower Show committee, turning over tables and smashing teapots with a baseball bat before grabbing the chairwoman by the lapels, pinning her against the wall and calling her a ‘redneck motherfucker’.

Producer Tom Logan said: “Like many people I spent Sunday evenings watching Midsomer before I suddenly realised it was incredibly racist.

“But then I kept watching it anyway because it’s like crack.”

He added: “This film is about scratching half a millimetre beneath the genteel, civilised surface of a typical home counties village to find that every single one of them makes Norman Tebbit look like Peter Tatchell.”


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Nuclear disasters not just caused by communism

NUCLEAR disasters can be caused by things other than lazy, inefficient communists, it has emerged.

As the world watches a series of enormous and terrifying explosions just yards away from a nuclear reactor, the industry has finally admitted that Japan is not a communist country.

A spokesman for US energy corporation BombPower said: “At first we thought some long-abandoned 1980s communism may have seeped across from China.

“But we looked into it and sure enough Japan continues to be a country up to its neck in free market capitalism.

“Also, in terms of efficiency the Japanese are the most efficient. In fact if any of them had used the previous sentence they would have resigned in shame.”

He added: “Turns out it was actually an earthquake. Never mind.”

Martin Bishop, Professor of Well, What Do You Know at Reading University, said: “Before anyone says anything about climate change, shut the fuck up.

“For the moment let’s stick to what used to be known universally as ‘the facts’ until it was decided that everything was just an opinion.

“Fact one. Fossil fuels are running out and as they do so they will get more and more expensive resulting in violent conflicts. You will not believe how true that sentence is going to continue to be.

“Fact two. Nuclear power stations explode. They do, I just saw one.

“That leaves us with either renewable energy or stuff that hasn’t been invented yet and it’s really difficult to charge your stupid fucking phone with stuff that hasn’t been invented yet.

“Go on. Try.”