British women not as attractive as a smoked bacon and cheddar double Angus

THE majority of British women would come a distant second to a flame-grilled bacon and cheddar beef burger in a bap, according to a new survey.

The Institute for Studies found that the beefy, double-decker delight was at least as satisfying as intercourse with a British woman but did not keep going on and on and on about stuff.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They are greasy, lumpy and covered in cheese.

“But not as much cheese as the double Angus.

“If I was a British woman I would be upping my cheese quotient as a matter of urgency.”

He added: “But even then, men could never connect with a woman in the way they connect with a monumental burger that has been garnished, very thoughtfully, with bits of crispy smoked bacon.

“It’s like having a soulmate who doesn’t mind being eaten and washed down with Fanta.

“And of course they are also much cheaper as they don’t wear shoes or have a series of seemingly trivial anniversaries tattooed onto the inside of their eyes .”

Meanwhile, the survey also found that British food would be more respected internationally if it did not consist mainly of highly processed animal parts sold by vast, amoral corporations.


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Britain shudders at thought of Hague's mojo

WILLIAM Hague was under fresh attack last night after raising the terrible spectre of his mojo.

The novelty foreign secretary has dismissed rumours of his resignation while simultaneously conjuring the image of him rubbing cocoa butter into his bald head while reclining on black satin sheets.

Tory backbencher, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said “As soon as I became aware of William’s mojo my mind was filled with his gyrating hips and long wet tongue.

“I haven’t vomited so comprehensively since I bought that sushi off the back of a van in Sierra Leone and I am now haunted day and night by terrible visions of him beckoning me into a hot tub with one hand whilst squeezing his nipple with the other.

“Oh Christ, here comes my Sugar Puffs.”

Parliamentary convention has banned MPs from using sensual imagery since 1938 when Neville Chamberlain blamed the looming spectre of war for his ‘sustained period of glandular softness’.

Hague contravened this last week when he told MPs that his plan to evacuate Britons from Libya through a 600 mile tunnel to Marbella was evidence of ‘a mojo firing on all cylinders’.

He added: “I could rescue British passport holders from Libya all night long.”

But Nikki Hollis, a solicitor from Hague’s Richmond constituency, said “I would happily see the smoking remains of this country sold to some Chinese gangsters if it erased the image of a naked William Hague straddling a chair with his face contorted in grim ecstasy.

“Hang on… yep, I’m now a lesbian.”