Armed troops to ensure enjoyment of royal wedding

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

Amid claims some people may be attempting to flee the country, ministers have invoked special measures, buried deep within the 2001 Anti-Terrorism Act, to ensure that each of the Queen’s subjects has an absolutely lovely time.

Tanks and armoured cars will be posted at airports and ferry terminals to prevent anyone spending a week somewhere sunny and foreign when they could be eating jelly in the street with some twats.

Meanwhile each street party will be assigned its own platoon from the Brigade of Guards who will use their semi-automatic rifles to keep everyone not only happy, but sincerely grateful for Britain’s ancient and enduring institutions.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Although the soldiers will have large guns with sensitive triggers and will probably be in a foul mood because of having to work on a bank holiday, the Queen has specifically asked them not to shoot you in the head or chest. It is a wedding, for goodness sake.”

The Ministry of Defence has also confirmed that RAF Tornadoes will use laser guided bombs to pick off the homes of suspected curmudgeons.

A spokesman said: “It will not only act as an extremely festive warning to others but will eradicate the sort of grumpy traitors that no-one wants to live next door to anyway.”

But Helen Archer, an accountant from Hatfield, said: “I got married last year. Apart from my family and friends, no-one else gave a tuppenny shit. I felt this was perfectly reasonable.

“I did not feel the need to label them ‘refuseniks’ or write lengthy newspaper articles asking why they don’t have souls.

“I guess that to them my wedding was just another random event happening in the universe, like a pair of raccoons rutting in a bush in Panama.

“Please don’t shoot me in the knees.”



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Merthyr Tydfil officially awesome

WALES has proclaimed Merthyr Tydfil to be its greatest ever achievement.

The principality’s tourist board plans to advertise it as the new premier holiday destination for thrill-seekers with the slogan ‘The Town that Tells the Rest of the World to Fuck Off’.

Merthyr resident, Wayne Hayes, said “Between the nappy-clad smokers and barely-concealed undercurrent of violence, living here is like a bronchial cross between Jeremy Kyle and Jurassic Park.

“Every trip to the corner shop is an adventure where coming home intact feels like a victory.

“I used to live in London and worry about whether Fleet Foxes were still cool or when I was going to visit a new gastro pub. Now my only concern is whether I’ve left anything flammable in the garden.”

Hayes added: “When absolutely anything could kill you at any second you reach a level of Zen-like acceptance that’s really quite invigorating.

“Bob Dylan wrote that ‘When you’ve got nothing you’ve got nothing to lose’ but had he been from Merthyr, he’d probably have said ‘Fling a shopping trolley through the window of Threshers, grab as much as you can and run like fuck’.”