PLANS to thrust a huge metal phallus back and forth between Birmingham and London are not about me, transport secretary Philip Hammond has claimed.
Rampant2 is a 100-metre-long chrome-plated, rail-bound model of the male genitalia that will travel at immense speed between Britain’s two major cities, spurting out hot, sticky passengers at the end of each journey.
Meanwhile stations in both cities will be redesigned to look much more like vaginas.
The train will not begin its journey until it receives a series of signals at which point it will accelerate to maximum speed and blow its horn.
But angry train user Nikki Hollis said: “Surely making existing rail provisions less utterly diabolical should be more of a priority than building something that has a giant, realistic vein running down its side?
“The money could be used in a way that would benefit the ordinary traveller, for example by hiring assassins to shoot the people who install those seat-back televisions that you can’t turn off properly.”
Mr Hammond said: “Rampant2 may be costly but it will bring tremendous economic benefits and an immense feeling of satisfaction.
“And, purely by coincidence, it will also show my first two girlfriends that I’m all man.
“Birmingham New Street won’t be asking if it’s in yet.”