New Tomb Raider delayed by glitch in sequel generating machine

THE latest Tomb Raider instalment has been delayed by technical problems with SEQUL8TOR, Hollywood’s giant sequel-making computer.

Industry insiders believe the problems may have resulted from a cup of coffee being spilled onto the giant, juddering hangar-sized machine which has been responsible for generating every major film sequel since The Godfather Part III.

A studio insider said: “The third insallment of the Godfather saga was the nadir in human culture, yet somehow still profitable. Studio heads realised that quality was no longer a factor in success, and hence SEQUL8TOR was born.

“The machine has three dials, allowing you to select the franchise, desired length and number of explosions respectively. For example you might choose ‘Transformers’, ’94 minutes’ and ‘4,000,038 explosions’.

“After you press ‘start’ it usually takes four minutes to fire out the completed reels of film, with titles and everything, like a nauseatingly cynical version of the photo booth in your local post office.

“It worked just fine until Michael Bay decided to leave his big sticky latte perched precariously on a grille while he went out for a fag. Or it might have been Roland Emmerich, we’re going through the diary.”

SEQUL8TOR technicians became aware of problems when the new Tomb Raider film emerged with the title Big Momma Croft’s Pirates of the Godzilla IV: The New Indiana Jones III.

A source said: “The storyline involves Lara Croft having to disguise herself in a fat suit to infiltrate a lost tribe of sassy obese Afro-American women so that she can steal their mystical recipe for barbecue chicken marinade, which is guarded by a massive dinosaur with the head of Shia LeBeouf.

“A lot of people get kicked in the groin and the word ‘damn’ said in a stereotyped black way serves as a joke substitute.

“Also Lara is much less agile, in fact whenever she grabs a rope it snaps and she says ‘ooooooooh shit’ in a funny voice before plummeting onto a big heap of animal excrement.

“And for some reason there’s an animated owl with the voice of Richard Griffiths.”

He added: “Actually that sounds sounds a shit ton better than the last Tomb Raider. I’ll just quickly whizz it through the 3D-alizer.”



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Daily Mail perfected

THE Daily Mail achieved perfection today after publishing a photograph of Eva Braun posing as a black man.

After 115 years the newspaper has finally combined race, fascism and women’s interests in one flawless image.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “This is multi-layered journalistic perfection on a scale almost too overwhelming to comprehend.

“It is both a fascinating insight into the playful side of an enigmatic celebrity as well as a provocative statement about political correctness gone mad.

“This one image will start a million conversations about her hair and her clothes, why political wives should stay in the background ‘unlike that Michelle Obama’ and why the BBC should bring back the Black and White Minstrel Show if only it wasn’t run by Muslims and homosexual Jews.”

He added: “This is why Paul Dacre gets the big money and the very best medication.

“I beg him with all my heart to let Jan Moir write a piece headlined ‘Isn’t there a little bit of Eva Braun in all of us?’.”

Helen Archer, professor of media at Reading University, said: “We’ll look back on this day as the high watermark in the Daily Mail‘s sacred quest to combine fascist sympathising with the cult of celebrity.

“That said, it is also a departure from the Mail’s recent penchant for publishing intrusive photographs of famous women without any make-up on.”