THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.
Across north London the fan base of the unsuccessful football team suddenly ceased to exist as people previously believed to enjoy watching them said they had never even heard of Ian Wright.
Meanwhile thousands of puzzled Tottenham Hotspur fans banged loudly on neighbours’ doors only to find that they had gone deaf or that the only sport they had ever enjoyed was rugby league.
Stephen Malley, from Highbury, said: “I find football to be rather ghastly and prefer to spend my Saturday afternoons browsing antique shops and looking for interesting teas.
“That? That’s a cardboard cut out of Olaf Bergkamp. He is a concert pianist of some note though I believe his twin brother was a footballman who may have plied his trade in the vicinity.
“And yes, some concert pianists do like to wear shorts. They find it more comfortable.”
Thierry McKay, from Islington, said that for some reason he had received 648 text messages from a Spurs-supporting acquaintance including one threatening to dawb ‘Spurs Champion’s League Quarter Finalists’ on his forehead before forcing him to perform oral sex with a smile on his face.
He added: “What’s a Gooner?”
Meanwhile Tottenham are celebrating their win over a Milan side with the combined age of Ben Nevis, and looking forward to their inevitable defeat in the next round, probably at the hands of something called a ‘Schalke’.
The club has also arranged for a laminated printout of last night’s result to be placed in the trophy cabinet at White Hart Lane alongside their 2008 Fair Play award and Ledley King’s victorious £5 scratchcard.