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Horny women drag boyfriends to three-hour lore-heavy sci-fi sequel

LECHEROUS women have dragged their reluctant boyfriends and husbands to see an arse-numbing barely-comprehensible sci-fi epic with giant worms in. 

Men with no interest in the made-up planet of Arrakis and the Fremen who live there have spent a long evening slumped in their seats because their partners are frothing with excitment about Timothée Chalamet, Javier Bardem and smooth, frictionless Austin Butler.

Helen Archer, who claims to be a Denis Villeneuve mega-fan, said: “Love those 1960s sci-fi novels. That’s why I booked us in for Dune 2 on Friday and then again yesterday.

“I couldn’t wait to find out if Paul Atreides takes revenge for the murder of his father, Duke Leto. I’d want revenge too because Leto was played by Oscar Isaac, who I really admire as an actor. Sometimes I have a quick five minutes’ admiration of an afternoon.

“On the upside, we’ll see more Bardem in this film as we delve into the mysterious prophecy of the Lisan Al Gaib. And we’ll get plenty of Timothée, of course. He’s just so talented. Did you know he’s bilingual?”

Boyfriend Joe Turner said: “Bollocks she’s into sci-fi. Her search history is all ‘Chalamet topless riding sandworm’, sometimes without the word ‘sandworm’.

“How am I meant to tease a wank out of Zendaya scowling and Florence Pugh in a windchime hat? Ah, who am I kidding, I’m half-hard already.”

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Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking. 

The group met at the flat of Sophie Rodriguez to indulge in alcohol at retail prices before going out, but instead continued getting pissed and then got even more pissed.

Rodriguez said: “We got together in order to get our buzz on before heading to Loughborough’s premium nightclub, Thrustz. Yes, with a Z.

“Anyway, after several vodka and tonics, pouring large measures, listening to music we’d chosen ourselves at reasonable volume, with enough room to dance and places to sit, we decided f**k going out and got more drink in.

“I’m not entirely sure at what stage pre-drinking becomes just actual drinking, but the point of being too bladdered to follow through on plans and go out is three-quarters into a litre of Absolut in my experience.

“A realisation rippled through us that getting ratted at home offers all the benefits of clubbing, like dancing, cocktails and urinating with abandon, without the downsides like queues, high prices and being fondled by perverts. I mean, Oli is here but he’s broadly manageable.

“By 2am Lucy was doing the macarena alone with her skirt tucked into her knickers, Callum was weeping over some girl’s TikToks and I’d been sick but was trying to get a snog anyway. So it really was just the same.”

ThrustZ proprietor Roy Hobbs said: “Once people realise they can get pissed and flick the lights on and off at home our business model is f**ked. And it’s ThrustZ with a capital Z, thanks.”

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