How attitudes to gay kisses on screen have changed, according to your dad

USED to be you’d be up until 1am to see a couple of lasses kissing, now it’s on prime time. And the men. Your retired dad explains how it’s all changed: 

My Beautiful Launderette (1985)

Back in the day, this put me right off my chicken Kievs. Thought it was a nice little comedy and then it’s blokes kissing with tongues. I realise now that this sort of prejudice is a terrible thing, but I couldn’t use a laundrette for years for fear of being bummed by a punk.  

Maurice (1987)

I was expecting posh totty and World War One, and I got Hugh Grant being gayer than he was in Paddington 2. Still, once the nausea had passed, I concluded if I had to have sex with a bloke at gunpoint I could do worse than Hugh. So it definitely made me more accepting of them.

The Crying Game (1992)

I’ll admit I didn’t see it coming, the fit bird being a man. With hindsight it’s a film with an important message: don’t join the IRA because it’s difficult to leave. Also love can transcend gender and all that, but it’s the IRA bit that drives the plot.  

Brookside (1994)

It was Brookside that most changed my attitudes toward homosexuality on TV. Who could not be moved to reconsider their views by Anna Friel snogging Nicola Stephenson? Though I was disappointed it didn’t raise zombie Trevor Jordache from the dead to rampage the close. If you think that sounds unlikely you didn’t see 90s Brookside. 

Queer as Folk (1999)

By this stage I was fully open-minded and knew about rimming. Expected this would just be gays being really gay in Manchester, but it had an actual story and, unlike Russell T Davies’s recent Doctor Who stuff, it had the advantage for the viewer of letting them know what the f**k was going on.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2001)

Two of the women who aren’t Buffy make out, and your dad was totally cool with it. Sat back and enjoyed it if I’m honest. Apparently it was groundbreaking, but not on my sofa. Course, it’s a shame it wasn’t Buffy herself, that would have been the brave move to advance gay rights further. 

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Technically it’s a cowboy film, but actually what’s being rustled up into the old corral is gayness. I confess I wasn’t expecting enthusiastic buggery in a tent, but who is? Didn’t really start a trend for gay cowboy movies. Stands sort of on its own, like Wild Wild West. 

Doctor Who (2024)

By now I’ve seen so many gay kisses that when Ncuti Gatwa snogged that Hamilton lad I just thought, ‘Good for you, poofs.’ That’s how enlightened and progressive my views are now. Also that Millie Gibson’s got a smashing rack and should be in a tight top more often. Whatever her sexual preferences.

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The seven things you're donating to the school summer fayre so they can be sold back to you

A RUTHLESS commercial enterprise masquerading as fun for children, the school summer fayre is screaming for your goods. What will you toss into its jaws? 

One: a bottle

Asked for any bottle, you scan the house for unwanted bubble bath sets or dusty three-packs of Toilet Duck. Eventually, grim-faced, you give up a precious bottle of wine. In three weeks you will buy it back with a raffle ticket taped to it.

Two: Item for class hamper

The theme is ‘Treat time!’ which isn’t really a theme so much as a demand. Nonetheless, you did your best to honour it by throwing in a vibrator. What, whoever’s winning this raffle doesn’t enjoy a nice machine-assisted orgasm?

Three: A jolly jar

You’re instinctively opposed to filling a Kilner jar with gender-neutral, sugar-free, plastic-free items that will supposedly thrill a small child into paying for it. Especially as your own child is that gullible. Consider making your contribution unusable by filling it with drawing pins and peanuts.

Four: A tray bake

This is neither the 1950s nor Bake-Off so why you’re making rice krispie cakes for the PTA Gestapo when Mini Rolls are available in the shops you don’t know. Careful, distinctive icing means you can buy your own because you don’t trust the other contributors to wash their hands.

Five: Items for the uniform stall

Your child loses shit relentlessly. What makes the PTA think you can spare the few items of uniform which survive? Short-circuit the system by claiming half of lost property and sending that in. All funds go towards the new library, which they need because the kids lost all the books from the old one.

Six: A large, complex DIY project

You’ve been seen in the playground in paint-spattered overalls, so it’ll be no trouble at all for you to build a backdrop for the photo booth, oh, and fix Splat the Rat. Now you’ve got glitter paint under your nails, resentment burning behind your eyes, and you have to queue up for Lottie to have a rubbish £5 photo while kids slag off your work.

Seven: Time

Throwing stuff at the bastards only gets you so far. Now you’re signed up to man a stall, turning up at 10am, hard at work until 4pm, then two hours tidying while the teachers drink Pimms and count their money. Still, it meant you could nick all the good bottles and £80 cash.