How to hide that you're secretly madly in love with Vladimir Putin: a guide for right-wingers

FAR-RIGHT? Doing well with the patriots? They must never find out about your crush on the Prince Adam of the East, President Putin? Throw them off the scent: 


Struggle to bring the leader of Russia even to mind, such an unmemorable chap is he. Ukraine? Is that still going on? Isn’t it time to be sensible, stop the bloodshed and settle back to how it was before, specifically before its 1991 independence? That’s what Putin wants? Sounds like a reasonable guy.

Appear on Russia Today as a dissenting voice

The opportunity to speak to millions of Russians is a weighty one. So is the payment. You don’t have to be in sympathy with Putin to speak on it, but why would you offend the man at his own state-run broadcaster? That would be rude. Note this option also available to the hard left: see Galloway, G.

Enthuse at length about Salisbury Cathedral

‘If you’re at all into early English gothic architecture,’ you gush, ‘you must visit Salisbury Cathedral and its famous 123-metre spire. I was wowed and found it perfectly plausible that two men, not gay, would travel from Russia just to see it.’ Note this option also available to the hard left: see Corbyn, J.

Run through some of Hitler’s plus points

Distract from your list of positives about Putin, for example claiming he was ‘provoked’ into mobilising his army or how many kilos he can lift, by pulling out history’s greatest Nazi. A few inflammatory statements and 80 photos of you with oligarchs are forgotten. Note this option also available to the hard left: see Livingstone, K.

Try to get friendly with his mates

Waking up sweaty from vivid dreams when you were wrestling nude with Putin, each of you oiled, lips poised? Concerned it’s showing in your face? Cozy up to Viktor Orban, exchange billet-doux with Kim Jong-il, and soon you’ll be on such easy acquaintance it’s not embarrassing when he rebuffs the pass you make in the Oval Office, Donald.

Fall out of a window

Putin has a real relationship, if not a lifelong love affair, with the art of defenestration. So exuberantly does he desire those he knows and loves to fall out of windows, they do so frequently and gladly. If you were to take a tumble maybe he’d notice you. That’s all you really want.

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Scotland fans seamlessly switch to supporting England

THE Tartan Army have confirmed that now Scotland have been knocked out of the Euros they will be backing England all the way. 

Following Scotland’s one-nil exit to Hungary last night, which once again affirmed the link between bagpipes and tragedy, football fans north of the border have turned to their second favourite team.

Bill McKay of Stirling said: “Ah, it’s a shame the boys didn’t make it all the way, but at least all true Scotsmen have a back-up side. That’s the magic of being Team GB.

“No more Billy Gilmour and John McGinn for me. As of today, I’m all about Harry Kane and John Stones, and I truly believe they can go all the way and bring the trophy home. I hope they bring it up here for us all to have a look at, I’d suggest Glasgow.

“Aye, Scotland is where my heart is, but I’m no an idiot. My head says England have the better players if they can find a partner for Declan Rice in midfield. It’s the same reason I voted against independence: clear, rational self-interest.

“Come on England, you’re being roared on by every one of us up here. Why wouldn’t we? We’re close neighbours and good friends.”

England fan Nathan Muir said: “So once Scotland are out, their fans support us? So that’s why we always lose.”