The six scandals the Tories need to squeeze in before next week's election

WITH only ten days to go until the election, the Tories are running out of time to squeeze in their final remaining scandals. Including these will be tight:

Rishi Sunak’s unlicensed Star Wars fan fiction, Tuesday

The prime minister’s archive of Star Wars stories, sold digitally for profit, are a crime against copyright and creativity. Written using AI, they do nothing but recycle set pieces: the Emperor gets frozen in carbonite, Boba Fett tells Jabba the Hutt he’s their father, Wicket the Ewok and Princess Leia make love and have a child. The last seems like a cry for help.

Michelle Mone’s late-night eBay purchases, Thursday

Baroness Mone spent her PPE earnings on an £80m yacht, obviously. But eBay is where she goes to hurt. From callously snatching Pokemon cards from children to outbidding you on a Dalek replica with two seconds to go, she ruins lives and dreams ruthlessly. She had that clock you wanted then threw it in the bin.

Jacob Rees-Mogg collects daguerrotypes of women’s ankles, Sunday

Sleaze, as ever with the Tories, rears its ugly head when the member for North East Somerset is exposed as having a collection of pale chambermaid’s ankle shots which he regularly manipulates his Mr Perkins to. He attempts to get out of it by claiming they are pictures of horse-drawn seed drills.

Priti Patel’s £820,000 volcano lair makeover, Monday

Expense claims for an orbital death laser, pool of trained mutant sharks and a cybernetic henchman surface, and Patel is in the frame. She explains that her artificial island in the Pacific, complete with 350ft carving of her awful face, is an asset for Britain and a worthy use of HS2 funds. Did it work? No, the spy blew it up and escaped, but still.

Liz Truss is a puppet, next Wednesday

Not in the metaphorical ‘puppet of the new global order’ sense but an actual puppet with a team of six trained operators. Liz was brought to life for a cancelled reality show but the truth concealed because it was felt the public was not ready for a minister controlled with rods and wires. Her empty shell on a hook is the headline of every paper on polling day.

Boris Johnson’s affair with every woman in Britain, polling day

Jennifer Arcuri is just the tip of the adultery iceberg. Boris Johnson has had it off with every woman in the land, from your mum to Camilla. Olivia Coleman, your dental hygienist, statues of Queen Victoria, they’ve all had a go. Fiona Bruce won’t address it on Question Time because she still thinks fondly of their night of passion.

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Chef, footballer, barista: six careers where tattoos are now compulsory

IS your lack of ink hurting your career? Are you being turned down before interview because you haven’t got at least a sleeve? These careers are tattoo-only: 


The connection between arranging slivers of steamed fish, micro herbs and jus reductions on a plate and covering your torso in painful designs is hard to fathom but real. Overcompensating for doing a girl’s job? Possibly. Certainly it only affects men, or Nigella would have a dragon winding up her leg, jaws on her soft inner thigh. And she hasn’t.


Running about in shorts, incredibly fit, in front of millions is as good a reason to get tattooed as any. At least it will be seen. If you earn £200k a week you have to spend it on something, it can’t be drugs or gambling, and it’s the only surface in a televised football game that isn’t sponsored. Though expect Fifa to look into that.


Fair enough: long hours at sea, nothing to do, nothing to make art on but the bloke next to you. Historically they’d have a tattoo of a swallow to mark every 5,000 nautical miles they’d travelled. Today they have the name of their child in massive gothic letters because Beckham did it.


The economics are a conundrum. Minimum wage and you can afford that many? Even if they are those Harry Styles ones that look like you passed out pissed and all your mates drew on you. The scandalously uninked won’t find work in any decent coffee shop. They’ll be turned down flat because they deserve to go live a little first.


If you’re accompanying a band on tour – especially a metal band – then you need the correct qualifications. Tattoos on both arms, chest, back, neck and face an advantage. Willingness to be bullied into getting the logo of the band you’re humping monitors for on your arse will get you the job, only to be regretted when you get fired for punching Blackie Lawless.


Necessary for your customers to trust you, though really they’re trusting whoever did your tattoos. Get some of the slicker designs from your walls to serve as a living hoarding for your own business. Spellcheck rigorously.