THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?
Elitist words banned
Some dick always knows words like ‘ensorcell’, so players can disallow any word for being ‘too brainy’. Gen Zers who can’t spell due to only ever reading internet gibberish will love it, as will dimwitted older people. Finally, a version of Scrabble that allows you to play as you normally do – sitting there struggling to come up with anything better than basic four-letter nouns like ‘mops’ – without feeling thick.
New Gen Z slang to be included
Annoying new slang terms will count, including ‘mid’, ‘cheugy’ and of course ‘rizz’, which earns an unjustifiably high 22 points with its two Zs. Unfortunately all these terms are incredibly ephemeral, so if you use them while playing Gen Z Scrabble this Christmas it will be obvious to everyone you’re a tragic 30-something wanker trying to be ‘down with the kids’, if they haven’t already guessed from your ugly Nike Air Force 1s.
No competition between players
Mattel says it wants to appeal to people who ‘felt a little intimidated by the classic game’, ie. ‘make more money’. Under the new rules players will pool their letters, then choose words as one big team so you all win. If that’s still too competitive you can play in ‘Free Spelling Mode’, whereby you make up your own completely new words, such as ‘wneflomduazkccl’, which is the surprisingly thick dust found under beds, according to Carl Webber of Bristol, who recently hoovered his bedroom.
Doing something else encouraged
Scrabble is unutterably tedious, but players are encouraged to continue until there is a winner, although technically everyone taking part is a loser. However the new version will feature ‘Stop Playing’ cards you can pick up at any time. Each will encourage you to do something else, with options including ‘alcohol’, ‘Playstation’ and ‘wanking’. Why the original inventors of Scrabble didn’t think of this is a mystery.
Woke word bonus
Many members of Gen Z are pretty woke, so bonus points will be awarded for words like ‘diversity’ (10 extra points), ‘slavery‘ (20 points), and ‘privilege’ (30 points). Allowable word length will be increased so you can spell things like ‘blacklivesmatter’ and ‘intersectionalfeminism’, although you might have to play a lot of Scrabble to ever get all the letters.
Scrabble wanker words to be banned
You know the type – ultra-competitive Scrabble players who own a special Scrabble dictionary and memorise obscure words no one ever uses. Banning them is a change everyone can get behind, so piss off you specky anal pedants, with your words like ‘quixotry’ and ‘ouguiya’.
Inclusivity
Mattel also wants to ‘ensure the game continues to be inclusive for all players’. So Scrabblers will be banned from shouting vile racial slurs at each other or calling people of a different sexual orientation ‘filthy degenerate perverts’. Admittedly this never happens during games of Scrabble, but ‘inclusivity’ is a groovy buzzword for corporate suits, and to be honest you can’t knock their marketing skills when they’ve just got a shit-tonne of free publicity from ‘Gen Z Scrabble’.
The worst shall have prizes
In the traditional version of Scrabble the player with most points wins, but this discriminates in favour of people who are good at Scrabble. We’re all shit at something, be it drawing, holding down a job or giving women orgasms. So uncompetitive Scrabble will celebrate the person who is the worst at it, ie. the f**king dunce who’s sitting there with the letters T, R, I, A, N, G, U, L, R and A, but only manages to spell ‘NUT’.
