Ian Beale to return as a Yardie

EASTENDERS is to become yet more unrealistic with the return of Ian Beale as a Jamaican-style gangster.

Viewers will discover that the reason Beale left Walford was to establish a drugs empire in the Trenchtown area of Jamaican capital Kingston, under the alias of Steppaman B.

Buoyed by his success, the bungling chip shop owner has grown dreadlocks and become incredibly intimidating, with a penchant for automatic weapons and brightly-coloured string vests.

Scriptwriter Denys Finch Hatton said: “Ian’s transformation from a prat who looks like Jools Holland to an amoral, gun-toting Yardie who  shoots Billy Mitchell in the face for stepping on his toe really pushes the boundaries of logic, which is what we’re all about at EastEnders.

“Especially when combined with utterly bogus Jamaican patois like ‘Wa gwaan di batty bwoy bludclat?’, which is Yardie for ‘Leave it out, Phil’.”

Writers researched Beale’s new incarnation by playing Grand Theft Auto, which has some Yardie characters in it.

Viewer Donna Sheridan said: “EastEnders has always prided itself on being a socially relevant drama about working-class life, but then it chucks in some totally implausible bollocks like Tanya Branning attempting to bury her husband Max alive.

“Quite frankly one of the characters could be a giant chaffinch and it wouldn’t be any less realistic.”

Sources at the BBC revealed that EastEnders will continue to feature highly unlikely plotlines, including Ricky Butcher becoming a freelance neurosurgeon who performs operations in Dot Cotton’s kitchen.



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Government unveils plan for Muppet House of Lords

MINISTERS are pushing ahead with plans for an upper house of Parliament operated by the Jim Henson Workshop.

Under the proposals in the House of Lords Muppet Reform Bill, the new second chamber would keep its structure of long red leather seats which hide its members’ legs from view, but would replace existing peers with felt and fuzzy puppets with googly ping-pong eyes.

The Liberal Democrats believe that the Muppets, who will roar their assent or growl their dissent at proposed legislation, will make the House of Lords more relevant and entertaining.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: “Democracy needs checks and balances, but it could also use a little showbiz glitz.

“The Muppets will take us behind the political scenes and show how half-baked ideas make their way from country suppers in Chipping Norton to the statute books.”

Hereditary peers will be replaced by monster Muppets, unable to speak intelligibly but able to grunt their disgust whenever homosexuality is mentioned.

The traditional place for religious leaders in the Lords will be taken by those chickens that hang around with Gonzo, dressed in bishops’ mitres and robes while squawking and flapping around in panic.

And appointed peers will have squeezable horns for noses, which they will honk in confusion throughout debates while Lord Speaker Miss Piggy attempts to keep order with shrill screams and karate chops.

All bills will be passed or rejected by the staging of a lavish musical number, during which the peers will sing along and sway from side to side in their benches. The first, It’s Not Easy Being Green, will replace next week’s planned debate on the Countryside Act.

Special guest Daryl Hannah will sing a duet with Lord Kermit while Statler and Waldorf, who have been sitting in the Lords since they were made life peers by John Major in 1993, will provide acerbic commentary and old jokes.