Immigrants 'Too Cheerful', Says Morrissey

SINGER Morrissey is refusing to come back to Britain because the country's immigrant population smile too much. 

The former Smiths' frontman said the miserable country of his youth now looked like an African wedding, full of vibrant people in brightly coloured clothes wiggling their bottoms erotically.

"Maybe it’s because their faces are so black but they all seem to have these big white grins all the time," he said.

Morrissey added: "Generally speaking, I like to write songs about people killing themselves because they're simply too English to go on living.

"It's doesn’t sound like much fun, but it has allowed me the opportunity to buy houses in foreign countries.”

Morrisey said he only came back to Britain to “refuel his grimness” and had expected to find the country filled with depressed immigrants forced into lives of relentless poverty by the international meat industry.

"They should be begging me to write a wry and haunting song about their miserable lives, but instead they just smile and wave at me and tell me to cheer up."

The widely-travelled superstar stressed that he liked Germany because it had retained its culture and its trains were incredibly punctual, and Sweden because everyone wanted to commit suicide.

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Estate Agents Will Starve To Death After House Price Crash, Says Upbeat Report

WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.

The upbeat report says the entire profession will be on the streets begging for food by next August, apart from those who manage to get jobs as sex whores by lying about their previous occupation.

Professor Wayne Hayes, the Van Hoogstraten chair of prices at the House Institute, said: "Great news, the pin-striped tit-cockers are all going to starve to death. Slowly."

Bill McKay, 56, a homeowner, said: "When I'm looking around a house I don't need some dick in a lilac shirt telling me 'this is the en-suite bathroom'. I can see it's the en-suite bathroom. It's got a great big fucking bath in it.

"I can also tell the difference between a desirable upscale property in a sought after location and a rat-infested bedsit with a brothel on one side and a crack house on the other. Do you think I'm blind, or just stupid?"

Charles Reeves, 42, said: "Subjects would benefit from modernisation? So previous resident died and rotted into the floorboards and now the whole house will have to be marinaded in Dettol for a year to get rid of the stench."

Tom Booker, 35, said: "I have to walk two miles to the newsagent because the only things the shops round here sell is houses. I don't care if my place halves in value, I just want to buy a paper."

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she was looking forward to picking up a cheap second hand Mini once all the estate agents were forced to hand their's back.

She said: "I would buy one now but I'm worried someone would think I was in the property business and stuff shit up the exhaust."

According to the report estate agents are currently worth 'absolutely fuck all' to the British economy, which would be £600 billion better off if they all dropped dead overnight.