In the Summertime, and other massive songs written quicker than your toilet break

THESE tracks were famously shat out in mere minutes, less time than you frequently spend in the bog. So feel more inadequate than usual on the toilet today.

In the Summertime by Mungo Jerry (1970)

It took singer Ray Dorset just 10 minutes to write, less than one of your work-avoidance sessions in the loo. He has denied it celebrates drink driving, claiming ‘Have a drink’ meant ‘a coke or a milkshake’. Sadly he failed to explain the altogether more sinister lines ‘If her daddy’s rich, take her for a meal/ If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel’. It sold an implausible 30 million copies and is soundtracking barbecues to this day. You will go to your grave knowing someone blowing into a bottle on a surprise-hit skiffle record had more impact on history than you.

Just Dance by Lady Gaga (2008)

While you were clutching the bowl after a binge, Lady Gaga was making a fortune from also getting shitfaced the night before. The difference was you were retching up stomach bile for ten minutes and she was retching up Just Dance. Basically all she did was diarise 2-for-1 cocktails night at All Bar One, and it’s a shame we can’t all get a hit record out of losing your phone while being completely f**ked. Or indeed base a hugely successful career on dressing like a nutter.

Single Ladies by Beyoncé (2008)

It’s infuriating to know that this pop chart plague took less time to write than your average toilet Tinder swipe session, especially as the lyrics are padded with lots of whoops and ‘oh oh oh’s. Queen Bey didn’t even pen it herself, instead being gifted it by a producer who – very believably – says he barely gave it a thought. It really resonated with clingy, desperate women, everyone was weirdly impressed by Beyonce impersonating a chicken in the video, and you can’t knock it because you’ve had precisely no hits in all your toilet breaks put together. 

My Sharona by The Knack (1979)

It comes as a shock that this stuttery, rather repetitive ditty wasn’t written on the bog, and the 15 minutes it took was a similar timeframe to you expunging a dodgy curry. It was inspired by singer Doug Fieger’s 17-year-old girlfriend (he was 25) and is pretty suggestive throughout, with lyrics like ‘I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind’, make of that what you will. So basically it’s lucky for The Knack they got away with it by being from 1979.

Jolene by Dolly Parton (1973)

Dolly rarely performs this smash hit, so huge yet insignificant to her it makes your life’s greatest achievements seem as impressive as making a sandwich. And not even a very memorable sandwich. Yes, Dolly knocking out this and I Will Always Love You in one day is a definite middle finger to any success you’ll ever have. Still, she’s probably been subjected to countless horrific covers and screeching amateur versions of both songs throughout her life, and no one’s ever tried to copy the sound of you taking a dump and made you listen to it.

Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes (2003)

The soundcheck guy who heard this first said ‘It’s okay’, like you tell yourself after polishing off a lacklustre Meal Deal. Your mediocre meal won’t get you royalties every time a goal gets scored in the Bundesliga though, and it’ll hurt even more to hear this overplayed riff while you’re sat on the bog in some pub, wondering if learning one blues scale in a quarter of an hour would have made all the difference to your life, like it did for these jammy bastards.

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Who is Lady Rose Hanbury and are they really at it, her and him? A time-saving guide

CONFUSED by the sudden interest in Lady Rose Hanbury? If you’re curious but don’t want to read loads of sickening articles about incredibly rich people, here is a succinct guide.

Is she the one that does the pegging?

Hang on, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. William supposedly had an affair with someone, and the cause was, rather neatly and conveniently, Kate’s lack of interest in ‘pegging’. It’s almost certainly just a rumour and there’s no actual evidence. Although it’s probably best not to think about what the evidence for a good pegging session might be.

So are her and Wills shagging or not? 

Sorry, no. The rumour dates back to 2019 and an ‘unnamed source’ who claimed the affair was ‘common knowledge’ among posh socialites and the press. This claim appeared on the US gossip site DeuxMoi, and who hasn’t got that well-known journal of record bookmarked?

There’s no smoke without fire!

Mmm. In which case holographic Bigfoot faked 9/11, etc. The whole reason Rose has been named seems to be that she used to be friends with Wills and Kate, due to living near their residence in Norfolk, a friendship that’s since lapsed.

Who is she then?

She’s a well-connected posh girl who goes to parties attended by people called Georgiana, Petrina and, in happier times, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. She’s married to the 7th Marquess of Cholmondeley. That’s pronounced ‘Chom-lee’ not ‘Chol-mond-o-lay’, if you’re a frightful oik. She lives in a f**king massive house, Houghton Hall, and her gran was the Queen’s bridesmaid. The proper dead Queen, not Camilla. 

Is she hotter than Kate?

A matter of taste really. She is a former model, but she never really hit the big time, eg. Fiesta.

So how is she connected to Kate’s photoshopped picture?

Good question, and the answer depends on how mental you are. The rational explanation is that some bright spark thought they’d dredge up the original salacious gossip because Kate was in the news. The mental answer is that Kate and Wills are about to split up and stories about Lady Rose are a ‘soft launch’ for when she replaces Kate. Still, she’ll look nice on commemorative mugs.

People actually think that?

On Twitter, yes. However these people are beyond deranged and think the Royal Family routinely assassinate anyone who threatens to embarrass them, which is what happened to Diana and Dodi. If that’s true Emily Maitlis is living on borrowed time.

But if Lady Rose isn’t shagging Wills, how come she fell out with Kate?

Pretty damning, isn’t it? No one in human history has ever fallen out with a friend over something that wasn’t sticking things up their partner’s rectum.

If I DM Rose, will she introduce me to the exciting world of pegging?

No. Not unless you own Norfolk.