Jack the Ripper, and other historical figures ITV would give a redemption arc on I'm a Celebrity

THE producers of I’m A Celebrity believe in second chances. And massive ratings. After creepy Matt Hancock, here are some other stand-up guys from history they’d book in a heartbeat.

Jack the Ripper

The Victorian coppers never proved he did it. And even if he did, wouldn’t it be funny to see him shrieking with cockroaches all over his cape? He’d be in his element with dismembered body parts – and probably keen to make some more. Watch your back, Chris Moyles! 

Judas Iscariot

The whole ‘betrayal of the son of God’ thing was a mistake, Judas knows that now. He’s taken a couple of thousand years to work on himself, and those days of toxic friendship groups with Romans are gone. Just look at the bromance he’s built with Mike Tindall and Boy George.

Vlad the Impaler

Vlad’s subjects may have feared his sadistic torture and execution methods, but a stomach for gore is just the thing needed for the most yucky Bushtucker trials.

Henry VIII

The tabloids would eat up no-nonsense Henry who tells it likes it is, and has no time for woke nonsense like not decapitating your wife just because you don’t like her. There’d be a two-page spread on his ‘incredible jungle weight loss journey’ and hunky new slimmed-down look before you could say ‘excommunication’.

Al Capone

Brutal mobster, or a workaholic who let things get a bit out of hand? Al would put his racketeering skills to good use taking Kiosk Kev’s Dingo Dollars as protection money and breaking all his limbs if he objected, thus becoming the hero of his team in no time.

The flea that spread the Black Death

The flea’s fireside chats would give it chance to explain it had no idea of the consequences of its actions. It would have never done anything deliberately irresponsible such as – to pick an entirely random example – sending infected patients back to their care homes. It’s a plague-carrying pest that killed millions, not a Tory minister.

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Dealer's cocaine now entirely cocaine-free

A DEALER has proclaimed that his cocaine is now proudly 100 per cent cocaine-free. 

Jack Browne of Ealing has been working towards the goal for some time, believing it necessary for both ethics and profit, before selling his first coke-free grams this weekend.

He said: “Cocaine – real cocaine – is manufactured in a regulation-free environment and it’s the little people who suffer. And for while I’ve struggled with that on my conscience.

“So gradually I’ve been phasing it out and substituting it with fair trade alternatives, like novocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, laxatives, and baby powder, for everyone’s good.

“This weekend I took the plunge, because my supplier got busted, and I’m happy to announce that the cocaine I sold was cruelty, exploitation, and cocaine-free. And you didn’t even notice the difference.”

Customer Charlotte Phelps said: “His coke’s always been piss-poor, but I didn’t realise I’d spent the past year spunking hundreds of quid on bicarb.

“I thought I’d been gakked up at every house party I’d attended and blamed my interminable rants on the coke, when it turns out I’m just a gobby, profoundly dull twat.”