James Brown's soul 'to sell for £5 million'

THE soul of the late American singer James Brown is expected to fetch £5 million at auction later today.

Currently contained in a glass jar, the soul is presently owned by Las Vegas based entrepreneur Wayne Hayes, who bought it from the legendary singer in 1972.

Although the jar appears to be empty, Hayes says that there is no doubt that it contains Brown’s soul, as verified by independent witnesses.

Hayes said, “I approached Mr Brown in 1972. I asked him to holler the words “I feeel good!!” As he did so, I placed the open glass case over his chest, where the soul resides.

“As he sang out, his chest expanded and the soul rays passed through his ribcage directly into the glass case, which I at once sealed to prevent outside contamination. I paid Mr Brown a hundred dollars and went on my way.

“Now, anybody who says this is just an empty glass case, what they’re trying to say is that there’s no such thing as soul. Of course you can’t see it. But if you believe in soul, that’s how you can tell it’s there – it’s invisible, just like a soul should be.”

Julian Cook, Professor of African-American Studies at Harvard, said: “It’s ridiculous – “soul” isn’t something you can contain in a glass case.

“Soul is something you contain in a battered suitcase – like the one I’ve got back home with Robert Johnson’s soul in it, which I bought off an old guy for $50 in Chicago in 1969.”

Auctioneer Denys Finch Hatton said: “Last week we sold one of John Lennon’s dreams for £6 million – the one in which he imagines no possessions. It was an empty black box.

“You know what’s real? Money.”



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New exam system cannot possibly fail

A NEW exam system is destined for greatness after both Nick Clegg and Michael Gove agreed it was a good idea.

Relieved parents said that replacing GCSEs with something Michael Gove thought of and Nick Clegg approved of guaranteed a solid gold future for billions of English children.

The plan, unveiled today by the self-styled deputy prime minister and the Education Dobby, involves dividing the current GCSE into two and then continuing to divide by two until every pupil in the country is sitting a tailor-made exam with their name on it.

Mr Gove explained: “A child called ‘Derek’ will therefore receive a ‘Derek-Level’ or a ‘General Certificate of Derekness.

“This this will replace the culture of ‘dumbing-down’ with a culture of ‘Dereking-up’.

“Derek may even go on to attain a Derek* as long as his name is not Derek Starr. That would unfair on the other Dereks.”

The Dobby said that in order to keep the system competitive key changes would be made to the curriculum each year including reverse arithmetic, where children are taught to count down from infinity, and translating great works of literature into Munchkin.

Mr Clegg added: “I agree with everything Michael has said, except I would have used a girl’s name.

“Although there could of course be some girls called Derek and to them I humbly apologise.

“I’m Nick Clegg and I endorse this education system.”