Internet ‘will be full by Friday’

THE world will run out of cyberspace by the end of the week, it has emerged.

This could be the final cat picture

Once the limit is reached, it will be impossible to upload any new content. Technologists have blamed the ‘perfect storm’ of an iPhone launch, a new Doctor Who episode and a royal scandal with tits in it for a barrage of unsolicited opinions that has pushed the internet to 99.94% of capacity.

Web analyst Stephen Malley said: “The web is like the big cardboard box in your loft – bulging at the seams with X Files episodes and useless products – except it’s not in your house, it’s in the air.

“When it bursts, the crap will come spraying out randomly in all directions, projecting breasts and cats onto any vaguely screen-like surface.”

The public is being asked to think carefully before adding to the world wide web.

Stephen Malley said: “Does Facebook need another blurry photo of you dancing with your drunken friends?  Is your comment on that Daily Mail article really going to add to the sum of human knowledge?”

“We’re hoping to free up additional room by deleting MySpace. We got rid of half of it six months ago, and no one noticed. ”

The British government is considering internet rationing, with users limited to three ‘Likes’ and two ‘LOLs’ per day. ‘LMFAOs’ will be banned for being too wordy.

Restrictions on pornography are already in place, with new films permitted only if they cater for new fetishes.

Porn star Wayne Hayes said: “The only film currently in production stars a woman dressed as a tree and a bucket of whelks. Frankly that’s not what I got into this industry for.”