Internet 'will be full by Friday'

THE world will run out of cyberspace by the end of the week, it has emerged.

Once the limit is reached, it will be impossible to upload any new content. Technologists have blamed the ‘perfect storm’ of an iPhone launch, a new Doctor Who episode and a royal scandal with tits in it for a barrage of unsolicited opinions that has pushed the internet to 99.94% of capacity.

Web analyst Stephen Malley said: “The web is like the big cardboard box in your loft – bulging at the seams with X Files episodes and useless products – except it’s not in your house, it’s in the air.

“When it bursts, the crap will come spraying out randomly in all directions, projecting breasts and cats onto any vaguely screen-like surface.”

The public is being asked to think carefully before adding to the world wide web.

Stephen Malley said: “Does Facebook need another blurry photo of you dancing with your drunken friends?  Is your comment on that Daily Mail article really going to add to the sum of human knowledge?”

“We’re hoping to free up additional room by deleting MySpace. We got rid of half of it six months ago, and no one noticed. ”

The British government is considering internet rationing, with users limited to three ‘Likes’ and two ‘LOLs’ per day. ‘LMFAOs’ will be banned for being too wordy.

Restrictions on pornography are already in place, with new films permitted only if they cater for new fetishes.

Porn star Wayne Hayes said: “The only film currently in production stars a woman dressed as a tree and a bucket of whelks. Frankly that’s not what I got into this industry for.”

 

 

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De Niro admits he’s Ricky Hatton

ROBERT De Niro has been playing the fictional boxer Ricky Hatton for the last fifteen years.

The apparently-Mancunian pugilist reached the heights of world champion, and slumped to the lows of reserve guest on Soccer AM before bouncing back, but his career has all been part of the latest Martin Scorsese film Raging Bloke.

During the press conference for ‘Hatton’s’ latest comeback the truth came out after the method actor accidentally dropped into his Jimmy Conway character from Goodfellas and started strangling a reporter with a telephone cord.

De Niro said: “The accent was tough because I had to sound like I was having an argument with a bee that had flown up my nose, but the hardest part of the role was looking like I enjoyed the company of Oasis.

“I’ve mixed with mobsters for roles and dated Naomi Campbell for a while but those guys are seriously high maintenance.”

The actor underwent major plastic surgery for the immersive role, and bulked up for the washed-up part of Hatton’s life by moving to Didsbury and getting his personal chef to feed him nothing but chips and gravy for two years.

De Niro is tipped for a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his Hatton role, but insiders believe this will go to Al Pacino for his incredible portrayal of Frank Bruno since 1982.

De Niro said: “I’ve come to love the character of Ricky over the years but it will be good to move onto a new role so I can get the fuck away from Manchester before I grow gills. Fuck you, rain. Seriously. Fuck you. “