Assange seeks asylum in Manchester United penalty box

WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange has escaped the Ecuadorian Embassy, fleeing to the penalty box on the Old Trafford pitch.

Assange had the idea while watching Man Utd play Wigan at the weekend, during which he came to regard the United penalty area as a “punishment-free zone”, where he would be immune from any sort of disciplinary action.

It is not known whether Sir Alex Ferguson will permit Assange to stay in the box, but it is considered extremely unlikely that anyone else would be able to evict him.

Assange will be in good company in the penalty box, alongside such major players as the controversial Serbian Nemanja  Vidic, who many feel should have been tried and found guilty of gross crimes including a blatant handball against Arsenal in 2011.

Wikileaks supporter Nathan Muir said: “Julian is fully aware that when it comes to Old Trafford, the English powers that be have absolutely no authority whatsoever to intervene.

“There is a possibility that Julian will be forced to leave the box at the next ‘final whistle’. But ultimately, when that whistle is blown is for Sir Alex to decide.

“The real danger is that the box will start attracting too many other fugitives and become overcrowded. Apparently Lord Lucan is arriving on Thursday.”



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World on brink of tits-based war

BRITAIN is at war with France and the ‘Axis of Tits’, as breast-based conflict threatens to engulf the planet.

With the Doomsday Clock now standing at 23:59:59, Kate Middleton’s breasts have already been labelled ‘Franz’ and ‘Ferdinand’ in a mordant reference to the Archduke whose assassination triggered World War I.

As public outrage over slyly-photographed royal tits mirrored the intensity of Buckingham Palace’s wrath, prime minister David Cameron declared war on France and its allies yesterday. He said: “The unauthorised reproduction of our future queen’s tits can only be seen as an act of war.

“Whether they are blurry or in focus, large or small, symmetrical or lopsided, jiggling or still, these tits encapsulate everything we hold dear.”

With Ireland, Italy and now Russia, which dearly values photographs of its leader’s gleaming man-tits, siding with France to form the growing ‘Axis of Tits’, tits-averse countries in the Middle East have granted Britain use of military bases.

American president Barack Obama has suggested a compromise whereby those who have seen the tits will have that part of their memory wiped.

Tits-related hostilities began in earnest when France refused to surrender the paparazzi photographers responsible for the offending images for public execution in Hyde Park.

President Hollande said: “It’s only a pair of titties, what’s the big deal? Here in France we are fine with titties and shagging.

“Carla Bruni-Sarkozy’s titties were more commonplace than croissants, and as vital to our national identity. I’m sure it would be fine for everyone to see my girlfriend’s, I could speak to her about that if necessary.

“But we will not compromise on titties. They are the one thing for which we French will fight to the death.”