Owen 'can't wait to find out who Stoke City are'

STOKE City’s signing Michael Owen has said that his number one priority right now is to find Stoke on a map.

Speaking at a press conference following his transfer to the club, Owen said that he had always felt an affinity for the people of the North East and if Stoke were anywhere in that region, then so much the better.

However he added that it had also been a lifelong ambition to play for a London-based team and that if Stoke turned out to be in London, then it would be the fulfilment of that particular dream.

Holding up a series of shirts of various colours and designs, Owen said, “It’s an honour for me to wear the Stoke shirt, whether it’s red, blue, green stripes or whatever that last one was I held up – at the end of the day what counts is that it’s Stoke United.

“For a player like me, signing for Stoke is as good as it’s going to – as good as it gets. It’s a learning curve and learning the name of the manager’s the next important stage for me. Ron, er – Alan? Sam? Roberto? I’ve every confidence it’ll be one of those.”

Owen warned fans not to expect miracles from him as he needed to get back into serious training: “I’ve a couple of racehorses I’ve just bought and it’s important I get them in shape for the jump racing season.

“A lot of the big meets are on Saturday afternoons so three o’ clock fixtures aren’t great for me. Or weekdays, you know – kids, school nights.

“Also, I’ll need a helipad next door to the stadium, Or you could just move the stadium nearer to a heliport. At the end of the day, whatever’s best for the club.”



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I'm a busy father of three, yet all I want to do is get high

Dear Holly

I’m a happily married father of three with a hefty mortgage and a BMW on hire purchase, and yet all I want to do is get high and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. How can I make this so?



Dear Alan,

Anything is possible if you’re willing to fight for your dream. For example, who could have predicted a Scottish person would ever win anything? And now look, Andy Murray has only gone and won Gold at the Olympics AND the Ryder cup. I’d like to think it has something to do with my class’s harvest festival this year, in which we donated many dubious tins of unwanted food to the starving people of Scotland, and Oliver French made a picture of a combine harvester with nothing but his own bogies. Obviously our benevolence took Andy’s mind off his bleak, ailing nation, and buoyed him on to victory.

Hope that helps!