34% of personalities entirely hat-based

THE number of people who are distinguishable only by a hat they wear has risen dramatically.

Hat-based personalities are especially prevalent among young heterosexual males who admire Olly Murs, according to research by the Institute for Studies.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We’ve seen a sharp increase in young men who are entirely unremarkable except for a funny little trilby hat.

“Within their social group they will be known as the ‘hat one’ or ‘the lad with the hat’, because they lack any other characteristics.

“Often they buy the hat to impress girls and then become lazy, assuming the hat is sufficiently quirky that they no longer need to think.”

23-year-old Stephen Malley developed a hat-based personality after buying a patchwork flat cap.

He said: “I felt strangely confident in the hat, knowing that it set me apart from my friends when we were out drinking in town centre bars.

“It made be different from the others, like an artist or some sort of shaman. But then it began to take me over.

“I started wearing the hat in bed, and couldn’t answer a question without first considering what the hat’s opinions might be. It was like a horror film about an evil hat.”

Professor Brubaker said: “Real problems can arise when two ‘hat personalities’ occur in a social group, for example a trilby and a flat cap – they cancel out each other’s individualism and there may even be a small explosion.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Religion still being taken seriously

RELIGION is still being taken seriously by billions of people, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that every country in the world contained at least one thousand humans who do not regard worshipping a God as an utter waste of time.

The Institute assembled a group of 650 worshippers of different faiths, nationalities, ages and genders to test how easily they could be offended about myths.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In each case we burgled their house, started an absolutely disgusting internet rumour about them and made a glib remark about their god.

“They were peeved by the burglary, saddened by the rumour and when it came to God they threatened to decapitate and disembowel me and anyone whose first name begins with an ‘H’.”

He added: “In Christian countries we sensed the threat was fairly empty because those people tend to have houses and jobs.

“In Hindu and Buddhist societies the threats would have been menacing if we all weren’t already choking to death on exhaust fumes and there was room to swing a cat.

“And in Islamic countries we realised that most of these people have nothing to lose and so we ran like fuck.”

Professor Brubaker said the internet had made it much easier for religion to be taken seriously by lots of people at the same time and called for it to be burnt at the stake.