Wenger to sign 16-year-old manager

ARSENE Wenger has refused to sign a new long-term contract with Arsenal, insisting he can find a cheaper, younger version of himself.

Arsenal chiefs have warned the Yafflesque manager that if he lets his contract run down there’s a chance he will be snapped up by Manchester City to manage their subs bench.

Wenger has repeatedly stated his love for Arsenal but has worried fans by talking about his frustration at not winning any trophies under himself.

He said: “I’ve been tracking a teenager in Senegal who I think can become the next Arsene Wenger. I refuse to pay the stupid prices I command just because I am a well known name.

“We have a wage structure in the club and I am not going to break that just to keep me here. I know what my future plans are for the squad and if I can’t see that then maybe it’s time I moved on.”

The club have signed a number of youth managers over the years that were tipped to become the next Arsene Wenger but none have achieved the requisite level of refusal to play direct football when necessary-ness.

The Senegalese protégé that Wenger hopes will break this trend was spotted by the Arsenal manager on a Youtube clip giving a gnomic press conference about balancing the books and the need for a winter break in the league schedule.

Wenger said: “He still needs to develop his skills berating fourth officials and kicking water bottles in disgust but I think one day he could refuse to buy any decent players at the highest level.”



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Kate 'saddened' by release of erotic thriller

THE Duchess of Cambridge has expressed dismay at the DVD release of Deadly Desires II: The Temptress, an ‘erotic murder mystery’ in which she stars.

In the 2003 film, Kate Middleton plays a sexually-repressed secretary, Burgundy Turner, who goes undercover in the seedy world of LA strip clubs to find her sister’s killer.

Burgundy soon loses her inhibitions, becoming a dancer herself and beginning a torrid affair with alcoholic ex-cop detective Nico Hawke, played by Billy Zane, who may himself be untrustworthy.

Deadly Desires II: The Temptress has an Imdb rating of 2.3, and a user review describes it as “Gay on a quantum level.”

After failing to get a distribution deal, the film screened once on Channel 5 in 2007 before being dumped onto Netflix, where it has been watched solely by users flicking through to find breasts.

Royal pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Kate is as worried about the poor quality of the film as she is about the subject matter.

“There’s a scene in the detective’s office where a boom mike is clearly visible as the Duchess of Cambridge delivers the line, ‘I dreamed of Mandy last night, she was calling to me but I couldn’t help her, then a knife went into her head.’

“It is very poor.”

The film will be released on DVD next week with commentary by Prince Phillip. The last time a member of the royal family starred in an erotic thriller was 1998, when Princess Anne played Betty McCain in LA Nights 3: City Steam.