THE BBC, having sewn up middle-class viewership with The Celebrity Traitors, is to launch a multi-million pound investigation into the tastes of the poor. 

Director-general Tim Davie, who had the ’S’ removed from the end of his surname so he would not be mistaken for a milkman, believes those on low-incomes enjoy staring at diverting glowing oblongs as much as their betters but cannot imagine what they watch.

He said: “It was previously believed they liked ITV, but viewing figures have proved that very, very wrong.

“Our extensive research into the ghastly peccadilloes of the untermenschen suggests they enjoy pre-sliced bread, strongly flavoured yoghurt, loud arguments and pies.

“So we’ve commissioned Oxford graduates to create pie-based sitcom Keep It In The Pie, gameshow Pie Grab Frenzy and current affairs show You Can’t Spell Politics Without Pie. That last banking on their being semi-illiterate.

“If only we hadn’t lost Richard Osman to the world of disposable literature. He had a unique insight into the lives of scum, I think because he had an aerial view.”

Working-class woman Donna Sheridan said: “I like shows about rich posh people in big country houses living untroubled lives of privilege. Shocking, I know.”