Kate 'saddened' by release of erotic thriller

THE Duchess of Cambridge has expressed dismay at the DVD release of Deadly Desires II: The Temptress, an ‘erotic murder mystery’ in which she stars.

In the 2003 film, Kate Middleton plays a sexually-repressed secretary, Burgundy Turner, who goes undercover in the seedy world of LA strip clubs to find her sister’s killer.

Burgundy soon loses her inhibitions, becoming a dancer herself and beginning a torrid affair with alcoholic ex-cop detective Nico Hawke, played by Billy Zane, who may himself be untrustworthy.

Deadly Desires II: The Temptress has an Imdb rating of 2.3, and a user review describes it as “Gay on a quantum level.”

After failing to get a distribution deal, the film screened once on Channel 5 in 2007 before being dumped onto Netflix, where it has been watched solely by users flicking through to find breasts.

Royal pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Kate is as worried about the poor quality of the film as she is about the subject matter.

“There’s a scene in the detective’s office where a boom mike is clearly visible as the Duchess of Cambridge delivers the line, ‘I dreamed of Mandy last night, she was calling to me but I couldn’t help her, then a knife went into her head.’

“It is very poor.”

The film will be released on DVD next week with commentary by Prince Phillip. The last time a member of the royal family starred in an erotic thriller was 1998, when Princess Anne played Betty McCain in LA Nights 3: City Steam.



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Apple now selling you things you didn't know you didn't want

APPLE has changed its strategy to creating products that people had no idea they were not interested in.

Since 2001 the hi-tech giant has made gadgets that were the result of firing secret lasers into the public subconscious to find out humanity’s unrealised desires.

But with the launch of the iPhone 5 the company has once again broken all the rules by creating a product that no-one expected to be incredibly unimpressive.

Julian Cook, who gets paid to have an opinion about smartphones, said: “They have obviously worked out what I know I want, which is this – if I’m going to spend more than £500 on a telephone then I want it to do everything that a telephone can conceivably do.

“They have not done that. It is genius.

“Meanwhile, I’ve no idea if they know what I didn’t know I wanted because I don’t know what that is.

“But somehow – probably voodoo – they have produced something that not only do I not want but had no idea that I would never wonder how I managed without it.”

Tom Logan, a late adopter from Peterborough, said: “I really thought I would want this, but I absolutely don’t. I shall buy two.”

Helen Archer, who has a very large Apple logo tattooed on her forehead, said: “I can’t wait to find out what else I don’t want.”