Led Zeppelin fans retroactively named 'the Zepsters'

LED Zeppelin’s fans are to be known as ‘Zepsters’, it has been announced.

More than 26 million devotees across the world are now officially Zepsters who enjoy Zepping out, something which they are struggling to explain to their families and friends.

Tom Logan of Atlantic Records said: “Whether it’s Gaga’s Little Monsters, Katy Perry’s Katy Kats or Extreme Noise Terror’s Noisemakers, every fandom has to be officially named.

“Fans can be members of up to six fandoms at once, so you can be a Beatlemaniac, a Blockhead and a Libertine Keen Bean all at once.

“Anyone not following these rules will have their fandom revoked and be demoted to the level of ‘enthusiast’.”

Scaffolder Norman Steele said: “I don’t want to be called a Zepster, I don’t want to call Robert Plant Captain Zep, and getting my tattoo changed will be a nightmare.

“I’ll just become a Red Hot Chili Repper instead.”

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Cannabis enhances excuse-making ability

REGULAR cannabis smoking boosts the part of the brain that invents excuses.

The Institute for Studies found that people who smoke skunk daily are 84 per cent more effective at explaining why they had failed to do things.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Stoners’ brains evolve this amazing capacity to make up bullshit excuses which, although unconvincing, are at least creative.

“Long-term cannabis users show extensive growth in the ninth ventricle, the region of the brain that deals with responsibility avoidance.”

Inveterate pothead Roy Hobbs said: “I was supposed to pay the council tax but somehow a wild boar got in the garden and I had to chase it out which took all day. It was all snorting, with tusks and shit.

“Luckily I am ok now and able to sit here watching TV, but I was unable to do any administrative tasks or house cleaning.”

Stoner Mary Fisher was supposed to take her boyfriend’s car to the garage: “I was getting some milk out and the fridge fell over, trapping me under it.

“Firemen came to get me out, they broke down the door and then afterwards replaced it with an identical-looking door.

“I’ll definitely be way more on the case tomorrow.”