CRITICS have slammed the biopic Michael for omitting the sexual abuse he was accused of. So what other changes might be made to music films to avoid upsetting audiences?
Kurt Cobain uses a nerf gun
Kurt’s death is too upsetting in its real form. Instead he raises the shotgun, pulls the trigger and a foam rubber projectile bounces harmlessly off his chin. He and Courtney enjoy a pleasant, completely alive evening together, and there are no distraught audiences who might put other people off paying to see the film.
Led Zeppelin respect groupies as equals
The exact details are disputed, but it seems a Zep groupie enjoyed some fish-based bondage masturbation with members of the band present. In any biopic it will be substituted with Robert Plant et al hosting a feminist workshop for groupies, who leave with signed copies of The Second Sex rather than fish scales in their fannies.
L7 mistook a tampon for a mouse
In the inoffensive version of the L7 story, lead singer Donita Sparks sees a small mouse’s tail in her pants at the 1992 Reading Festival. Understandably terrified because she’s a girl, she hurls the rodent into the audience, only then realising it is a used tampon. The fact that she shouted ‘Eat my used tampon, f**kers!’ will not be included, and men who are uncomfortable with periods will be spared permanent trauma.
Elvis stops existing in 1970
Elvis’s obese, drugged-up wanker phase is not going to shift many soundtrack albums, so the film will simply freeze on a triumphant live performance of Suspicious Minds in 1970. Yes, it will be a f**king insult to anyone vaguely aware of history, but that didn’t do Braveheart any harm. Or The Patriot, which somehow manages to be worse.
Eric Clapton was at an Enid Blyton convention
Modern audiences are not going to like the guy who did Layla and Wonderful Tonight saying ‘get the wogs out’. Unless he’s at a 1976 Enid Blyton Convention and he’s merely impatient to see fellow fans cosplaying his favourite characters, the naughty golliwogs. Implausible? Yes, but not much more than claiming being a pisshead makes you into a card-carrying Enoch fan.
Happy Mondays were tiresome wellness fanatics
The only substance the Mondays abused was camomile and lavender tea, according to this bowdlerised biopic in which Shaun et al are drippy clean-living buffs droning on about the antioxidant properties of ginseng extract. The director will probably still want to show the bust-ups and fights, though, so Shaun can twat his brother Paul for borrowing his yoga mat.
John Lennon was wearing body armour
A tragic incident that can be avoided with a movie trope. As Mark Chapman runs off, Lennon gets up revealing a heavy, pockmarked bulletproof vest while quipping: ‘Didn’t think of that, did ya, soft lad?’ This obviously presents a problem with Lennon’s subsequent life, but that can be fudged with a post-credits scene showing him happily doing a frog voice for Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together.
