Liberace film 'brilliantly awkward' Father's Day treat

TAKING your homophobic dad to see the Liberace biopic is the most amusing way to spend Father’s Day, it has been claimed.

Awkwardness expert Dr Mary Fisher said: “Why not suggest ‘the new Matt Damon film’ as a Father’s Day treat.

“Your dad likes The Bourne Identity. He won’t realise it’s about flamboyant gays until Michael Douglas and Matt Damon start noshing each other off, then he’ll freak out with hilarious results.”

55-year-old father Tom Booker said: “At first I thought it was bloody disgusting – men kissing and rubbing each other.

“I nearly walked out, but then I got swept away by the fabulousness and Matt’s buff body.”

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Apprentices told to stop acting like twats

REAL-LIFE apprentices are acting like insane twats thanks to BBC One’s The Apprentice, it has been claimed.

The government is threatening to cut apprenticeship schemes unless young people stop using them as opportunities to promote their ridiculous, pathetic ‘personal brands’.

Garage owner Tom Booker said: “I had these two 17-year-old lads on a scheme, Mike and Steve or as they called themselves ‘Team Excelsior’ and ‘Team Deluxe’.

“I asked them to change a tyre and all they did was go off and invent a stupid energy drink called ‘Mind Pilot’.

“I gave them a massive bollocking but they just blamed each other so I sacked them both and they coldly thanked me ‘for the opportunity’ before wheeling off the suitcases that they had inexplicably brought with them.”

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I can’t find an apprentice who isn’t obsessed with being ‘project manager’.

“They just keeping asking ‘Am I project manager? Am I project manager?

“Just shut up and hold the fucking spanner.”