Man almost goes into Games Workshop

A 31-YEAR-OLD man almost went into a branch of Games Workshop but was worried that somebody might see, it has emerged.

Tom Logan spent several minutes gazing longingly at the shop’s window display of detailed, colourfully-painted figurines including orcs, space marines and chaos daemons.

At one point he visibly mouthed the word ‘cool’ while studying a model of a futuristic troop carrier that had been modified to simulate battle damage from enemy soldiers firing their laser guns at it.

Logan then quickly checked whether anyone from work was watching before reaching for the door, only to hesitate when he noticed the long-haired shopkeeper with bad posture was seated around a large table with a group of pubescent boys, rolling dice in a strangely intimidating manner.

He then quickly entered the Greggs next door, pretending that it had been the focus of his interest all along.

However Logan later denied all interest in Warhammer-related products: “I could never get into that sort of thing, it’s for nerds. What sexually mature adult would be into monsters with axes fighting pretend battles for imaginary kingdoms?

“I’m into normal stuff like women, beer and Game of Thrones.”

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Paranoid terrorist-loving dickhead lunatic imagines media is against him

DANGEROUSLY unhinged Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has paranoid fantasies that the media is against him, a documentary about the knobhead will show. 

The terrorist-loving traitor, who has faced allegations he is the son of Mao Tse-tung, has lashed out at unimpeachably accurate coverage of his utterly disastrous so-called leadership.

The documentary, only shown on the internet because of the ratings plunge which follows any Corbyn TV appearance, follows the Islington North MP through eight weeks of unbelievable fuck-ups.

ITN news editor Helen Archer said: “We’ve gone out of our way to be balanced in our coverage of Corbyn, blaming him for almost no murders, but he acts as if we hate him.

“And now he’s accusing the BBC of bias, an outrageous attack on a much-loved institution no other media outlet or government minister would ever dare criticise.

“We’ve contacted a Labour heavyweight for their view. I expect Liz Kendall will really give us the other side of the debate.”

Jeremy Corbyn was reached for comment, but his reply is not published because nobody wants to hear his sickening lies.