Man doing week of revision so he can enjoy new Marvel film

A MAN is preparing to see the latest Marvel blockbuster by spending 96 hours rewatching previous films from the franchise.

Stephen Malley has been working up to enjoying Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness by desperately cramming other Marvel media so he has a vague clue what the f**k is going on.

Malley said: “I love the intricacies of the Marvel Cinematic Universe but it’s so complicated that, unless you’ve got an excellent memory and a lot of time on your hands, it’s also a massive ball-ache.

“To fully understand the new one I need to refresh myself on the last Dr. Strange as well as Spider-Man: No Way Home, Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame and the first X-Men film, even though it isn’t strictly MCU canon. If we’re being picky, which I am.

“I should also rewatch both Loki and Wandavision, which together come in at about ten hours. I’ve got to work this week but I could do it overnight if I drank enough coffee. Or maybe I should get some cocaine?

“A friend has given me a bundle of 72 comics to look at as well, which at least I can read while stuck in traffic or having a crap. It’ll be fine. I can do it.”

Malley’s friend Tom Booker said: “Stephen fell fast asleep five minutes into the film. Some fan he is.”

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Woman turns down soulmate because he's a Gemini

A FERVENT believer in astrology has rejected the man who is her soulmate due to some bollocks about him being a Gemini.

After initially hitting it off after matching on Tinder, Lauren Hewitt turned down another meeting with Nathan Muir – who is perfect for her in every conceivable way – due to the date he was born.

Hewitt said: “Sure, he’s tall, gorgeous, kind, a human rights lawyer, owns a holiday home in Tuscany and exclusively watches women’s football, but the zodiac never lies.

“The fact that we shared an undeniably electric sexual chemistry, made each other laugh, and both live locally counts for nothing. It would never work. My astrologer told me I need to look for a Taurus.

“Am I prepared to let some unproven theories about the coincidental alignment of the stars on the day someone was born get in the way of my chances of future happiness? Absolutely.

“It’s successfully guided me in life so far, apart from the fact that I’m terminally single and hate my job as a nurse even though being a Scorpio means I’m meant to be fine with blood. I’ll keep believing.”

Nathan Muir said: “I can’t believe I’ve been cock-blocked by a celestial body.”