ARE you incensed by the amount you have to pay for a journey on a rubbish British train? Here’s how to rinse the experience for every penny.
Take a crap in first class
You pay a f**king fortune for the privilege of travelling from A to B, so you might as well make the most of it by using the fanciest facilities. Though the first class bogs might not technically be any different to the rest of the train, they have been shat in a by a higher class of person and will therefore presumably be marginally less disgusting.
Put your huge suitcase on the seat next to you
Why should you have the inconvenience of hefting your heavy bag onto the luggage rack? You’ve paid enough for your seat, so you may as well take up the one next to you as well. And if someone wants an argument about it you’re already so pissed off about the expense and discomfort of your journey that you’ll probably just punch them.
Plug in every device you own
Your electricity bills at home are through the roof, so make the most of your train journey by charging your devices while you travel. If your trip is long enough you could set up a small home office, including a printer and coffee machine. The on-board wifi will still be shit though.
Engage the ticket inspector in a very long conversation
Making new friends is hard, so it’s good to make conversation with new people whenever you can. Embarking on a 30-minute discussion about current affairs with the ticket inspector will do wonders for your social life, even if she’s pissed off and desperate to get on with her job.
Annoy some strangers
It’s not often you’re trapped in a confined space with some strangers for a couple of hours, so make the most of the opportunity to really get on their tits. Play some crap music, have a loud conversation, fart repeatedly: whatever makes you feel you’ve got your money’s worth.
