Crapping in first class: how to get maximum value for your train fare

ARE you incensed by the amount you have to pay for a journey on a rubbish British train? Here’s how to rinse the experience for every penny.

Take a crap in first class

You pay a f**king fortune for the privilege of travelling from A to B, so you might as well make the most of it by using the fanciest facilities. Though the first class bogs might not technically be any different to the rest of the train, they have been shat in a by a higher class of person and will therefore presumably be marginally less disgusting.

Put your huge suitcase on the seat next to you

Why should you have the inconvenience of hefting your heavy bag onto the luggage rack? You’ve paid enough for your seat, so you may as well take up the one next to you as well. And if someone wants an argument about it you’re already so pissed off about the expense and discomfort of your journey that you’ll probably just punch them.

Plug in every device you own

Your electricity bills at home are through the roof, so make the most of your train journey by charging your devices while you travel. If your trip is long enough you could set up a small home office, including a printer and coffee machine. The on-board wifi will still be shit though.

Engage the ticket inspector in a very long conversation

Making new friends is hard, so it’s good to make conversation with new people whenever you can. Embarking on a 30-minute discussion about current affairs with the ticket inspector will do wonders for your social life, even if she’s pissed off and desperate to get on with her job.

Annoy some strangers

It’s not often you’re trapped in a confined space with some strangers for a couple of hours, so make the most of the opportunity to really get on their tits. Play some crap music, have a loud conversation, fart repeatedly: whatever makes you feel you’ve got your money’s worth.

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The best desperate tactics when you're trying to hold in a piss

IS your bladder absolutely bursting with no solution in sight? Here are five ploys to help you fight the need to pee.

Pull a face 

Scrunching up your face won’t directly affect your bladder, but hopefully your face will start to ache, diverting attention away from your agonising need to piss. Also try groaning and hopping up and down. This may buy time for the urge to wee to pass of its own accord. Or you might wet yourself. One or the other.

Tell everyone 

When it comes to a full bladder, a problem shared is not a problem halved, but it’s certainly a problem awkwardly broadcasted to people who would prefer not to know about it. At least now you’re not the only one feeling uncomfortable. 

Tense up

If you’re fighting to hold in a piss, relaxing any single part of your body could be a big mistake as it may give your wee-hole muscles the mistaken idea they can stand down as well. Tense yourself up more than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson posing for an Instagram post and don’t make any sudden movements that might ‘open the floodgates’.

Look around for places to piss

Even if you’re not actually going to urinate in your child’s shoe or your boss’ handbag, looking around for potential piss receptacles can be a great way to keep hope alive and your spirits up while you wait for the Tube to reach the next stop or your work appraisal to come to a f**king end.  


However rational your beliefs, sometimes there’s nothing for it but to get higher powers involved. There are no atheists in foxholes, as they say. If you don’t have an official god figure to ask for help, try praying to the person ahead of you in the toilet queue. They are, after all, the one holding your fate in their hands.