Man realises he does not like music but just same five songs

A MAN has realised that he does not enjoy music but actually just the same five songs on repeat.

Tom Logan considered himself a music lover but, surveying his most listened to tunes on Spotify, realised that his passion for it just amounts to a handful of tracks over and over again.

Logan said: “My Spotify Wrapped this year will be five tracks and also the theme tune to The Bill because I needed it for a pub quiz I was hosting. To be fair, it’s a banger.

“As far as I’m concerned, human civilisation peaked with Supergrass’ Alright so I don’t really have the need to listen to much else. It’ll just be a disappointment.

“I also regularly play one Pink Floyd number, two by The Beatles, and the sad Lily Allen song from the John Lewis Christmas advert about ten years ago when I feel a bit melancholy. And that’s all.

“I would struggle to go on Desert Island Discs, not that they’re likely to ever ask a data services manager from Chorley.”

Logan’s wife Francesca said: “Tom believes that great music is like sex: once you’ve hit on something you like, you stick with it and never need to try anything new. It’s part of the reason we’re headed for divorce.”

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We don't have a favourite child but we do have a least favourite, admit parents

PARENTS across the United Kingdom have confirmed that, while picking a favourite child might be impossible, choosing their least favourite is easy.

Having long maintained that they love them all equally, those with multiple children have finally admitted that there is always one who they think is a bit of a prick.

Father-of-three Stephen Malley said: “I have two children in university, one studying law, the other medicine. They both take summer jobs each year to help me cover the cost of their tuition. They are a credit to me and their mother.

“But my youngest child, Oliver, spends all day in his room playing Fortnite, yelling into his headset to call some teenager in Serbia an ‘uber-wanker’. We really should have listened to everyone who told us to stop at two.”

Mum Helen Archer said: “All four of my children bring me immense joy. But only one of them regularly rings me at 2am to come and collect her from a club because she’s been sick and lost her purse.

“Put it this way: if ever I was in some terrible Sophie’s Choice-style scenario, I don’t think it would cause me quite as much anguish as it did Meryl Streep.”