Mother assumes correctly spelled email from nursery is phishing attempt

A MUM has become highly suspicious after receiving a correctly spelled and grammatically accurate email from her child’s nursery.

Emma Bradford opened the message entitled ‘Update on payment by childcare voucher’ and assumed it was a phishing attempt due to finding no errors anywhere within it.

Emma said: “It was clearly dodgy. Every word was perfectly spelled and there were no random apostrophes, strange capitalisations or errant spaces.

“You can tell a genuine message a mile off because it’ll say something like  ‘Builder’s will be painting the hall, please bare with us or’ or ‘If your littel one has nit’s then they has to be off 48 hour’s’.

“I don’t blame them as they’re run off their feet and haven’t got time to be fannying about with a spell check. And actually it turns out to be a fiendishly clever security system, so long may they retain their cheerfully gung-ho attitude to the fundamentals of the English language.”

The nursery’s director Kelly Howard said: “We’re all very well educated and just do this shit to entertain ourselves. I mean, have you ever looked after a roomful of small children? It’s boring as f**k.”

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Christmas lights switch-on performed by pissed-off dad

A FAMILY’S Christmas lights switch-on has been performed by a father who has been up and down ladders untangling this shit all f**king day.

Tom Booker, aged 46, gathered his family for the grand switch-on at 6pm yesterday in the most festive of foul moods after an eight-hour ordeal.

Giving a speech, he said: “Just pop up the loft and get them, she said. Have you any idea how much crap there is in that loft? No, because it’s only muggins who goes up there.

“First I had to work out which ones are for outside and that’s a bastard of a job because they don’t come labelled. Then I’m pissing around with a stepladder in the freezing cold for an hour just so we’re not outshone by the neighbours.

“Then I have to get the inside ones, and the candy canes lining the garden path I was very expressly against buying in the first place, and of course we can’t have one set of lights on the tree, oh no, that wouldn’t be Christmassy enough.

“Of course we’ve got none of the instructions so setting them to come on at the right time means buggering about on YouTube, and arse knows how much the electric bill’s going to be.

“Anyway. I now declare it to be Christmas. I’m having a f**king beer.”