Rough as f**k parishioners attending flat-roofed church 

A TERRIFYING church with a flat roof is frequented by worshippers who look like they would shank you just to get a quid for the collection plate. 

Saint Saviour’s dominates a housing estate in Swindon and is viewed by many locals as a no-go area full of angry Christians looking for a fight.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “It was built on the estate in the 1960s to be a friendly focal point for the community, but these days it just attracts trouble. The police are in there most weekends.

“I popped by last Christmas as they were singing carols, and the floor was sticky with communion wine and half the stained glass windows were boarded up.

“Helen, the elderly church warden, approached me. She had one hand on a collection plate and the other hand inside her cardigan. Did she have a knife? A hammer? I didn’t take any chances and emptied my wallet. She smirked and said ‘Peace be with you’ in a very threatening way.

“I’m not going in there again, I’d rather face my soul burning in eternal hell than those mad faithful bastards.”

Reverend Norman Steele said: “Sadly, a lot of people find a church environment intimidating and that’s why our congregation is dwindling. I do hope more locals start attending soon or I’ll have to f**k them up.”

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Photoshoot of newborn could be literally any baby

A COUPLE who paid hundreds of pounds for a photoshoot of their newborn are oblivious to the fact that it could be anyone’s baby.

The photography session, which cost £250, promised to ‘celebrate the uniqueness of your precious bundle’, despite the fact that they all look exactly the same as each other.

Emma Bradford said: “Everyone knows that the first exhausting weeks with a newborn mean nothing if you don’t make everyone even more tired and stressed by insisting on taking the tiny screaming baby to have their picture taken.

“The fact I chose an A1 canvas print of my baby swaddled in pink fur and lying on a bed of ferns is definitely because it’s really classy and nothing at all to do with my insane post-birth hormones, whatever my mum claims.”

Photographer Mary Fisher said: “You have to take these special photos at the early newborn stage because it is literally the only moment in a child’s life that they will not object to being posed like an idiot with lots of tacky fake flowers.

“But, to be honest, most of the time we just use the same set of photos of the same baby from three years ago. Nobody’s noticed yet.”